nini

inactive

2010-12-02T01:05:00.002+08:00

yep. ive been inactive here. i will try to write sth when a story worthy of writing comes up. meanwhile, im on wordpress and fb =)

i only update the "books ive read" portion

2010-06-30T15:44:00.002+08:00

CHESTNUTS 3-D :

Fried Monty on Emerald Farm

Written & directed by Jonathan Lim

with music by Bang Wenfu

Starring Jonathan Lim, Rodney Oliveiro, Judee Tan and Dwayne Lau

2010 seems to be everyone’s anniversary, and Chestnuts wants to beat on that drum too! So come fly your flag with us as we celebrate 14 13.5 years of being Singapore’s wildest live parody show!

Jonathan and friends are back with a breathtaking bundle of sizzling spoofs, merciless musical mash-ups and Uniquely Singaporean silliness! Starring Rodney Oliveiro and introducing, from our sell-out Xmas edition, new nutters Judee Tan and Dwayne.

This year’s targets include The Full Monty, The Karate Kid, Lady Gaga, the Twilight Saga, Ip Man 2, Emily of Emerald Hill, NDP 2010, The Pupil, Alice in Wonderland, JJ Lin, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Animal Farm, The A-Team, Boeing Boeing, Kick-Ass, Kit Chan in December Rains and Dick Lee’s Fried Rice Paradise … PLUS pink dots, blocked drains, bus-stop fights and overpriced sports packages galore!

Don’t miss :

Ris Low’s sister – it doesn’t get boomzier than this lor!
Pondan News Asia : How to Train Your Draggin’
Nightmare on Glee Street : “If you sing in your dreams, you sing for real…”
The Importance of Being Emily
Regulation VS Censorship : This is home, surely, as my censors tell me…

iris murdoch's style

2010-06-13T23:51:00.003+08:00

i notice the following motifs in iris murdoch's novel:

the mistress of the marriage left and the couple reunited (failed menage-a-trois)
homosexual relations
a damsel in distress (female protagonist)
an elderly man, who later died at the fringe of post-climax
comments on god (not so much on religion)
main protagonist is a male
the story is around a group of elitist, usually from oxford

(the following was written on 15/06/2010)

and that is because she is exploring the motif of 'love'.

charlotte's web

2010-05-24T23:10:00.006+08:00

charlotte's web is a story about friendship that we can all relate to. the compounding help of the animals in the farm is touching and the wit of charlotte who hatched up a plan to save wilbur's life, is commendable.

the first magic lies in the friendship between wilbur, a pig, and charlotte, a spider. they are different animals of different backgrounds and way of living. naturally, they do not share anything similar nor have a reason for a symbiosis relationship. they lived in different environment and have different diets. they do not share a common interest even. yet, amidst of all the differences, charlotte befriended wilbur and was willing to sacrifice herself to save a friend whom she just met for a few months.

it made me think about being prejudice we have against one another, back then and even now. this is where the first moral of the story lies. white wrote the story in 1952, a short period after WWII where most of the men are sent to war and women and blacks are allowed to work to keep the economy buoyant. there was a mixture of different ethnicity working in the factories doing simple and manual labour. this mixture has created friendship for some of them. and slowly homogenised the races together. it was also written shortly before the african-american civil rights was granted in america in 1968.

there is a stark similarity between the event that happened in america during that period and the ones seen in the barn. and as an ardent supporter of anti-segregation who wrote many essays on internationalism, white has deliberately, and wittingly, weaved his ideas into the fable he wrote; calling to his reader to see the redundancy of prejudism.

next is the use of obvious imageries and metaphors to convey the same motif.

set in a barn, it is reflective of the simple lives the people in america lived in then. they perform simple tasks and pursuit mandatory needs. the animals in the barn represented these people living in poor and rural conditions after the great depression and the basic work they kept doing to bounce back the economy. the setting is fitting for the situation it was back then and the menial tasks they perform to keep on going through the hardship.

also, the use of animals run by farmers draw a parallel image to the government-people setting. the people in the story are like the government as they represent the thinkers and shapers of the society while the animals represented the layman who worked around the fate given to them. the big decisions made in the story were done by the people e.g. the sending of wilbur to zuckerman's barn, zuckerman's decision to put wilbur into the county fair contest, the winner of the blue ribbon, the decision to award the special prize to wilbur for his 'miracles'. while the animals worked with the decisions and actions done by the people.

and the attitudes the animals had in the beginning were negative. they felt they had nothing more nor less from each other, as said by the old sheep "we're all the same, wilbur. we don't envy you." they were resigned to the unfortunate fate that had befallen on them. it was similar to what the americans felt during the post great depression and WWII. however, it was only after charlotte had decided to take on the responsibility to save wilbur's live the animals start to contribute their help. this cliche hero behaviour moved us and made us see the beauty and urgency to save an innocent's life (wilbur's).

it's something i was thinking of when i was doing the play.

rationalising reason

2010-05-23T22:05:00.005+08:00

no. it's not true. it's not always true. you rationalise the reason. you thought through the reason and why it happened and you've come up with a rationale. you created that rationale. the rationale behind the reason was not there. it was never there. you made it there. you put it there. you made it up. you created that rationale. how am i supposed to believe you? you made me believe you. you made me believe what you said. you tricked me into believing what you said. how can i know that you are not lying to me? you made me see your point. and now, i cant see mine. i cant see anything but what you said. you made me believed you and now i lost faith in myself. you beast! you liar! what you said created a belief for me. something which i didnt have and now i cannot think! you made the reason up. you gave me the rationale. i hate you.

numbers and fear

2010-05-09T17:53:00.003+08:00

1 in 4. 15 in 60. 25 in 100.

1 in 5. 50,000 in 250,000.

2 in 5. 40 in 100. 200 in 500.

what do they mean?

nothing to the layman like you and i. yet experts use these statistics to relay information that make us worry. why and how so?

looking at it empirically is like looking through a microscope; the image is enlarged. consequently, it becomes 'more obvious' and the and effect on us - the consumer - is inevitably greater. this is what the experts wanted. and, of course, providing such data make their arguments more convincing.

however, if you start expanding the numbers to greater numbers e.g. "1 in 4" becomes "25 in 100" and to "250 in 1000", and so forth, you see that the probability is lowered; much, much lower.

take for example a recent statistic on breast cancer in singapore. it states that "1 in 4 women have been diagnosed with breast cancer." take a population of 4.8mil (i round down to the nearest hundred thousand) in singapore and estimate that about 40% of the population are women, that would be around 1.9mil. you would then be among 480,000 women to be diagnosed with cancer. that is a big group of people but you could also be among the other 1.4mil who aren't going to be diagnosed. the odds are different for everyone. and this is ignoring other contributing factors. should you be so afraid?

i am not saying that you should forget about taking that mammogram or keep postponing it but don't let the "1 in 4" figure scare you to hysteria.

on a more general note, i think we should be aware of the math done and figures shown. the numbers have been simplified for our understanding. but the implication may create some misunderstanding.

betty and identity

2010-04-20T00:30:00.006+08:00

i saw the last episode of the final season of ugly betty a couple of days ago. i had the urge to watch it again after reading a review about it. the writer said it was an eye opener to the latin culture in america and there has never been a series quite like it. besides making america ferrera a household name, it also introduced us the different perspective of the latin americans; away from the negative views that had been regretfully associated with them.

i watched a few episodes before the last to understand what had happened so far and also to see how has the show changed. it looks like there have been major changes to the show since its debut in 2007. in seasons 2 and 3, we 'lost' betty: she wasn't the same girl we first met and fell in love with and that would have probably caused the ratings to drop sharply. i was disappointed with the changes so i stopped watching after the first few episodes of season 3. it was when i got to know the season was going to end i decided to revisit the series.

however, i find that the producers manage to win back our hearts towards the end. we have a new looking betty but inside she is the same as who we first got to know her. she has become more successful and the stories of the other characters were well-developed before coming to a proper closing. (i shall not elaborate on their respective stories for it is too long) i would say that the show came full circle and i am very pleased with that.

and it brought back the central theme of the show: identity. betty won our hearts with her adorable personality and showing that it is important to be and remain true to ourselves regardless of the circumstances. this part of her come back in the final season after we see her losing it in seasons 2 and 3. we are who we we are. she showed us that in a difficult situation, the decision that most comforts us - though strange or opposing - is the best one. it may not be the right one - although rational - but if it seems wrong to our guiding principles we should not do it. it is because it not something that we would do ourselves.

and this inspiring theme inspired me to understand myself. it is only when i know who i am would i be able to make it through the toughest challenges. other people offer opinions and advice but the final decision has to come from inside. it seems easy but it is not. in a place where we are most vulnerable we allow ourselves to be influenced by outside voices making it worse. the only way to listen to ourselves is when we know and understand who we are. it is only then it is easier to separate distractions from our own venerable voices.

thoughts on writing

2010-04-18T00:47:00.003+08:00

i feel like i should write. i find it a nice feeling to write about my day or what i feel or think. there is a good feeling i get from doing this. maybe i should be a writer.

i can imagine myself typing long articles on an issue that i have a reaction for. or writing in a magazine or papers as an anonymous writer.

i may not have the maturity or grip yet but if i invest i could see results. i am quite earnest about this.

there is already a pool of writers out there. a pool of good hard-working writers. and i find that i should join that group.

i am not very good at creative writing, that is something i kinda just realised. but there are other types of writing such as academic, expository, argumentative, etc. and i can tap on that.

i feel like my genuine interest in writing has grown; and i write better now. i am more proud of my work now than how they were a few months ago.

what do you think? should i be a writer?

restless

2010-03-30T12:49:00.003+08:00

i woke up today feeling different. nothing seems to have changed yet i don't feel right, as if i have been 'taken out'. i am afraid, lost and in pain. my mind was in a swirl and my body felt separated. it was distinctively different and i thought, in that instant, that maybe i should sleep in for a while more.

i woke up again, several hours later, feeling the same. i knew it wasn't going to be good day. and for the days to come, i will not have it good.

i took a shower and let the water ran.

it felt quite good just standing under the shower. i could think for a short while before i went back to the state i was in. it wasn't a hangover, because i don't drink. it was more real than that. i felt like purging almost all the time.

perhaps it was the exhaustion or the weather (it had been raining heavily since the night before), i don't know. but if it is one or the other i don't think feeling 'bad' is one of the things i should have. what is bad about being tired? the mind mainly blanks out while the body recuperates and that means more sleep. it helps that the weather was on my side.

whatever it was, there was guilt attached to it. i could feel the guilt, the slow chewing power of guilt eating away parts of my inside bit by bit. what have i got to be guilty of? or maybe, what am i not guilty of?

i recalled what happened the past few days: besides partying all night on friday, and skipping my entire day of prayers, and then back to work on saturday morning, which was i rudely awaken by the rattling noise at home resulting to only three hours of sleep for another ten hours of work followed by five hours of sleep that night for another fifteen hours of work on sunday - all done with my prayers skipped.

and on monday i was too tired i cancelled all my appointments and slept for most part of the day. though we cannot catch up on lost sleep i thought of simply resting - proper rest (the last time i had one was months ago). but that didn't help much.

and then the mind wondered about what could've happened if i had been born smarter. would i have topped my school? would i have gone to stansford? would my life be better? would i have done things differently? the depressing thoughts went on relentlessly, which made my bad state worse.

i started thinking about what went wrong. what went really wrong?

i don't know.

i couldn't sleep properly either. all that sleep i had, i wish they have been good ones. and i dreamt. for every ten minutes i woke up i remembered i dreamt. and that was how it was the entire night and during my afternoon naps.

something is wrong. i know it. but i don't know what it is.

i feel the pangs of the pain. it hurts. then it goes away and comes back a few minutes later. it's troubling. and it is affecting me. why?

i let the water ran still. i hope that the water can still my heart and wash away the pain. just for that minute, or two, i want time to stop and hear only silence.

madness

2010-03-16T11:02:00.008+08:00

when you try so hard that you feel like your heart is about to leap out of your mouth. when the thoughts get too intense no other thing could penetrate. when blood gallops through the veins leaving no time for you to breathe. when you breath grows thin and shallow you cannot think. the fingers become numb and then the hands and the whole arm. it moves down, further down to your gut, hardening the muscles solidifying the bowels. you start to not feel. you lose the senses and consciousness. the brain then starts to react but jammed. the system is failing, falling, crashing.

this is madness.

school

2010-03-14T18:48:00.006+08:00

(this is how you prove 11 is a prime number)

i like school. i like learning things that i may not apply when i go to work like chemical bonds, or electron size. but they give me good head start. i get to show off. everyone loves a genius, except for himself. well sometimes.

alice said she has gone to meet the rabbit. and mr wolf is reading birth of prison by foucault. the girl with the red hood is cooking porridge for goldilocks. cinderella and ariel said they are coming with perseus but they didn't say when. the small men are still in gulliver's stomach looking for moby, the dick. willy is swimming with spot. the swan is on a date with pinochio and the cricket is trying to run away from mulan. i have barney with me but he's too big. besides he's purple and i don't like purple. dorothy was supposed to lend me her sneakers but the cow took it with aries's shoes to jump over the moon. the fork and spoon are drinking tea with lady bracknell. everyone is busy leaving me alone.

but i don't worry. i am here watching the sand before i get to blow the horn. i'm excited! wonder what magic is going to happen next!

the r.e.l.i.g.i.o.n

2010-03-09T15:35:00.006+08:00

we choose our mothers. before we are born, we have them exactly what we would like them to be. there is a catalog of mothers in heaven. and god lets us choose whom we want to be born from; and the life we want to live in.

and when we die, we don't actually die. to die means to cease living. but we still appear in people's memories. to some, we are still afresh in their minds. so i don't think we truly disappear. as long as we are remembered, we keep on living. we leave our physical body but we still live on. in the afterlife, or on earth. those stories that we were told are bullshit. can we prove that there is a heaven and/or hell? we were told, rather, cautioned, that we will receive our rewards and punishment in the 'afterlife'. i choose to believe that 'an afterlife' is just a word. what really happens, we don't know. we can't talk directly to god; we are too disgusting for that. only the purest of existence are allowed to, like archangel jibril (gabriel) and the prophets.

so when we die, don't believe what they say. they don't know it too. they just bullshit something 'rational'. it's inconsequential. think about it. it is something that is believed, but not proven. and that is how it is going to be for many time to come. it is quite enough to have a belief. that is substantial.

this is how i think we go:

1. we move from god's haven to someone's womb - to house us while we develop into a human form, like a caterpillar in its pupae stage - of our choosing.

2. we come out and learn about this new environment.

3. we find that it is enough, we tell Him that it is enough, we decide to move on.

4. we leave 'our body' and the dust layer behind. it is the dust layer that gets the punishment and reward.

5. while we move on to somewhere.

where to? i cannot prove. no one knows because we don't come back and tell those after us.

oh! i forgot. when we move on to somewhere else, we divide ourselves. we have some on earth, where we had stayed. and we have some elsewhere in the universe. the rainbow is a cosmic vagina. everything springs out from it.

i fell in love with a boy

2010-03-01T23:52:00.001+08:00

i fell in love. with a boy.

he caught my eye when he first walked into the room. since we're strangers and i didn't want to be assumed as too forward, i didn't say anything to him. but i kept looking at him, secretly.

finally, that one day came. we exchanged a few words. i was calm and also extremely thrilled. i was being professional, we were becoming colleagues.

as time went by, we became more comfortable with each other. that was when we had conversations. i couldn't remember what it was but it felt natural, not awkward. not at all.

bien sur, we got closer as the production started to take on a very good shape. i was still embarrassed to start the talks but i feign being nervous.

soon enough, we came to a point when it was acceptable to open up our personal lives. i asked him and he answered. i had to carefully thread as i know he has a girlfriend and i didn't want to come off as too strong. success.

on the last day, before i went on stage for the last time for that show, i pried a little more. this time it was different. it was emotional.

he told me about his history: where he'd been and how she stayed on. and like lightning, very swiftly it hit me and i felt it. between them, it is deep and profoundly beautiful. i understood the strength and love between them.

and time had stopped.

i fell. it hit me very strongly and i fell. i couldn't hold up i had to let go.

a day has gone by and i'm still lamenting. i don't know why i cannot let him go. maybe it's because i made it too close to my heart.

or maybe, for that brief period, i had fallen unnecessarily and unknowingly in love with him.

middle east

2010-02-18T20:35:00.005+08:00

turkish. that's what it was. the music sounded so far yet distinctly clear, distinctively native. one can recognise the pulsating rhythm, intonation, modulating tones of the voice accompanied by traditional instruments all together conjuring the image of arabian women belly dancing in their charming costumes in a harem of men drinking and laughing among themselves as they share the stories of their lives; the good and memorable. what these men talked about doesn't matter. it's the ambience and tranquility of the room that bring about the sweet and romantic feeling that does. we don't feel lost when we are high. we feel powerful.

i fell in love with turkish culture after reading orhan pamuk's snow. it wasn't the first book written by him that i picked up, but it is my personal favourite. there is something seductive about the controversy. "i love rattling cages", someone once said. so do i.

but i do not wish to create trouble. i only wanted to have a good time. to enjoy the music and maybe a company or two before going back to my life. there would be no trouble in making friends or chatting with strangers. it is a place for conversation. to have plain conversation taking place and verbal exchange of little stories. stories that tell a little bit of its teller. a tale of someone's life. a tale of some truth. i wanted to talk to some of those people and hear what they have to say about their experience, opinions in general matters and insight to their mind. i want to be surprised. i like surprises.

the music was inviting and i became tempted. it was good. it felt good. i felt good. and i have not been feeling good lately. it was just right i paid the club a little visit. if it doesn't work out i only have my eyes to shut.

and in i went.

it beautiful inside. the lights were dim, the music was strong and crowd was ravenous. the setting was crude and atmosphere heavy. the sound of voices filled the room and the air was thin. it was quite hard to breathe through the smoke but i felt that it was fine. i have no complaints. the huge space meant that this was an ordinary club with a good mixture of people. i looked around and familiar myself with the space such as where the toilet is, emergency exits are, best bartenders are strategically placed - the important things. it was perfect.

i am quite relieved i knew no one, and no one knew me. i'm in a strange world of strangers. everything around me is new and refreshing; a change in my normal routine live. the music has got a nice beat and rhythm. my body quickly adapted to the surrounding. i felt a pulsating gusto to live again, "joie de vivre!" it was weird but i like it. i felt good, almost natural and necessary so i sat down and ordered myself a drink.

i looked around and saw a ruffled hair caucasian, nicely trimmed beard and mustache, good looking physique and considerably tall, he seemed to be waiting for someone; a clean shaven pan-asian with a nice tan and cute haircut (could be a surfer) quietly sipping his bailey; a bald, classy, sexy and suave black man in his business suit standing at the corner by himself; a middle eastern man who looks like a greek god; and a lean emo with tattoos covering his body and his ears pierced drinking beer at the other end of the counter. i decided to say hi to the greek god.

what happened next? it started off like this:

"nice music", i said first.

silence. and i felt terribly embarrassed. the music kept playing. i didn't know if i should run or stay cause this man clearly isn't interested in me. i tried to look at him but he didn't glance back. i was flushed with humiliation i turned away. suddenly, i felt a hand grabbing my arms.

"ten seconds", he replied.

because it happened too quickly it made me confused and i gave him my horse face. "oh my fucking shit! pull that face away, pull that face away!" i told myself and quickly put on a tight smile.

"next time, give a proper introduction," he replied.

great! first time trying my luck at a club i made myself a fool and a received pep-talk. what the fuck!

"sit down. now, where we we?"

what happened next?

here's a clue: bedsheets

i will wait

2010-01-17T12:15:00.003+08:00

he said he is coming. so i waited. we wait for those who said they will meet us and, especially, when they say it is urgent.we don't go away or have a no-show. we say 'yes' and make our way down as soon as possible, no seconds delay. we come down early and wait for them to turn up. in the meanwhile, we think up of many possible scenarios: maybe he's going to tell me he's got cancer and only a month or a week left; or he's going to blow himself up in a public area; or he needs money to pay off his debtors; or his mother is in the hospital and he's very upset and troubled; or he's in love with me but he's marrying someone else; or he's going away for good; or he's going to take me on date at the empire state building and his private jet is picking us up from here, ... we cannot but simply conjure up images that may or may not defy logic and our rational state of mind because we are not in our rational state of mind.

he sounded tired and worn out, almost dead, over the phone. i would've said desperate but it's better to be safe. you know how dead some people sound like over the phone like life has been zapped out of their life? i'm not talking about being boring or jaded; that's pathetic. i mean that's a pathetic state. i call that state 'pathetic', as if they're dying for attention by being dead so that other people will inject life into them. that's predatory and i resent predators of such kind. why are they alive and living around us anyway? they should be dead, buried, or not even given life. that way they won't sap the life out of us and/or bore us with such nonsense. my friend here is dead, a different kind of dead.

his voice was high strung, panicked. i could almost see him before my eyes, like an apparition, being white like a ghost. maybe he's terrified. maybe it's terror that's plaguing, the most extreme kind because only such thing would drive a man to such a state. what else could it be? someone who is simply afraid will not call for help. it's a small matter and he can take care of it, and of himself. but someone who's is more afraid, like my friend, will be whiten by the fear. the fear, so great, it becomes tangible and it can be more than just felt. it seeps into the person's life and gets hold of what's within. it runs through the same blood as its host and breathes the same air. it starts to become part of you and you start to lose you. that is when the mind, your mind, starts to lose itself and you feel divorce from your soul. the separation is meant to tear you apart from within. that is how fear wins.

that was what happened to him. he's almost gone now, he's almost lost. he is soon not to be himself and if he hadn't make the call i would've lose my friend, my dear friend, forever. we know how painful that is. we will not forget about it after it is done. we will carry on the pain, the guilt, for as long as we can before alzheimer's come to the rescue, assuming it comes to save us from the pain, or we would carry it with us till we die and then leave it there with the underground creatures. these are sacred beings that's been trusted to keep our secrets. they keep the stories of those who've gone up or down for judgement. they're the filters, filtering out the unnecessary bulks and debris of what we've brought onto our lives leaving the soul pure and simple for easy judging. my friend has a story. he's storing it to me. i will take his story to history.

the rain clouds are gathering in fast, even the ominous weather is telling me something; this is not going to be good. all i can do now is pray he's got time to meet me and tell me what he wanted to. i will wait no matter how late he's going to be. a cab stopped a few metres in front of the park entrance. my thoughts began to swirl in a frenzy. i wanted to run over but something was holding me back. i don't know what it was but it was strong, very strong. was it me, my own doing, or something else was doing it for me? i tried to get up but i couldn't. that's weird. i tried again, this time with more strength and courage. i don't know why i needed that much effort to stand up but strangely, it did. someone stepped out. could that be him? i peered forward to get a better look but his back was facing me. he's wearing a black coat and a black hat. why did he dress like that? he doesn't usually dress so bleak. still, i didn't let it bother me. it was more important for me to talk to him, or him to speak to me. it is him whom i'm meeting. he's the attention here, not me. 'please come'.

lightning flashed a few times which caught my attention momentarily and i looked up. damn, i got distracted. when i regain my attention i saw the taxi driving off but he was no where to be seen. he's gone! no one else was seen in the park! was that him whom i saw or someone else? was my mind playing games and coming up with images that weren't real? did i really see him or was i imagining things? it can't be! i don't imagine things. i do get distracted but i don't hallucinate. i never hallucinate! 'nate!' i called out. 'nate! nate! i'm here!' no one responded. i could hear my voice echo through the park but the reply i wanted didn't come. maybe it was someone else that i had mistaken. i mean, people do make mistakes. but how could it be when he - the man - looked exactly like nate? was i thinking too much about him that i accidentally pasted his image on someone else? was i? it can't be. 'nate! nate!' but all i could hear was my own echo.

silence weighs down heavy on me. i started to think that he didn't make it. that he got into an accident while trying to meet me! oh dear! i killed nate! i killed my own friend! if i hadn't asked him to meet me he would've still be alive. i killed him. i caused his death and he doesn't know about it. i killed him before his cancer (presumably) got a chance to get to him first. what's going to happen now? the police must know the truth. his death must be justifiably told. the autopsy must speak of the truth, the real and entire truth, of his death; that it is not just an accident and he just happen to die because of the accident. it has to speak of the truth. the truth must be told, it cannot be concealed. no, not for cases like this. i must admit to my causing my friend's death. he died because of me.

oh my, he died because of me. he died because of me! he took his own life because he didn't want me to suffer. he didn't want me to take on his story. he didn't want me to carry on with what he's got. he didn't want me to know about his pain, and hurt, and languor. his story was his to keep and passed over to the underground creature for only they could take it. they're mute and stupid. so it was ok for them to keep it because they can handle it, it won't affect them any bit. they won't feel anything because they can't. they won't think about it because they've got no brains or sensory system to deliver 'feelings'. and that makes them sacred and trustworthy. of course, it hurts me a little bit that he'd rather let something else keep his story and not me but he must have his reason. and i trust him. i have faith in what he's going to do because he's always known what to do and how to do it. i don't know how but he just does. that is the magic about him.

he is smart and caring. and very intelligent. he cares about what he says and how he says them, careful not to offend anyone. he knows how powerful words are and he doesn't wish to misuse them and abuse others, like some people. he understands the extend of his actions and words and thus wishes to use them for good. a historian by academic training he also has got a wealth of knowledge inside that brain of his. unlike me, the language major, he gets to visit excavation sites and many other fieldtrips anywhere in the world to sudty and truly comprehend the subject. i love hearing him telling his stories when he gets back. you can see how much he loves the subject; his eyes would beamed brightly, and his intonation varies and his arms will move around cutting the air and he would smile - that sweet charming smile - always. he makes me feel alive.

and he doesn't want me to die along with him, with the truth of his last few stories. he didn't want me to know about the truth, his truth, from his story, because then it'll be too much for me to bear. he didn't want to let on his burden to me; a burden presumably. why would he ever think it's such? i'll not call it a burden. nothing about him is a burden, especially his stories. his stories give me life. i live by his stories everyday. they're uplifting and insipiring. and when you hear him pepper a few words of wisdom occasionally you too will adore and admire him. stupid nate, why would you think that? anyway, then it means that his decision to meet me and die on the way - by killing himself - was his way of saying goodbye, i love you! yes! of course, he's always been the romantic and caring kind capable of doing something unorthodox like this. this then mean his death should be celebrated! and not mourned or regretted. he doesn't like these passe kind of thing, he's never approve of such behaviour and decision anyway. of course, why didn't i think of that earlier.

isn't that ironic? that you don't tell things to those whom you care about? why is that? they say it's because you hurt most the one whom you truly love. but without saying anything, isn't that betrayal? do real friends betray one another? i guess in certain circumstances that's necessary. i won't blame him. we've known each other for years; i don't remember how long because it felt like yesterday. i know him. and he is like that: secretive at times. i only got to know of those that he didn't tell when i accidentally stumbled upon clues from other people. i think god wants us to play fair. and my dear nate wants to play a game. even if he didn't tell, i'm bound to find out somehow. that's the beauty of our relationship; it doesn't need to be said to be known. i don't care if others find out because that doesn't matter. it doesn't mean anything. so long as we have this, i feel safe. and i think i may have an idea of what he's thinking and about to do.

last year when the world trade centre collapse nate told me he's going to america. he didn't tell me the reason then but i knew it will surface eventually. the day after he left i went over to his place. he asked me to help him keep an eye on it while he's gone. i decided to stay there for a few days, or at least till he comes back. i did his laundry, clean his house and of course, went through his closet and drawers and wardrobe. he doesn't need to know and he will not know because i will put them back just as i how i found them; destroy the evidence, destroy the suspicion. i found nothing unusual. he came back a week later while i was sleeping on his couch.

just a week ago, nate called to arrange for a lunch meeting. this wasn't unusual. what was unusual was what happened during lunch. first he invited me over le carre's (a very posh restaurant where only the rich and famous dine, i don't know how he got seats). then he asked me to order anything i wanted. and throughout the conversation he kept talking about the good old times. i tried to tactfully ask him what's the occasion but he simply ignored and carry on. i tried again, this time he cut me in and asked about my estranged brother. i was getting irritated but i said nothing to spoil the day. we sat at the restaurant till evening and he drove me home.

i thought about our bizarre lunch meeting and speculated many things. was he going away or did he find out he's going to die or he met up with my brother or was i going to die and someone wanted to kill me? but why me, i'm not famous or dangerous. the last person i offended was my brother and that was months ago. whatever it was nate didn't want to tell, and it was soon before i could find out. i stayed up that night. i went online to read up on 9/11. i was trying to figure out if there's any connection between nate - who's residing in singapore - and america. was he an activist of some sort? or an undercover assassin and it's his time to be killed? what had the collapse of the wto got to do with him? was he involved in the conspiracy? i saw pictures of the terrorist training and videos of their plans but not one of them looks chinese. in the end i switch off the computer and tried to sleep. at the back of my mind i am convinced nate has got nothing to do with the attack, or the supposed one coming up this weekend at one of the mrt station.

it's been half an hour and still no sign of him. i wanted to go home but part of me insisted that i stay. 'maybe he is coming and got caught in traffic jam.' or maybe he forgets.

just then i saw another taxi stopping front of the garden entrance but no one came out. i waited for a few more seconds and still no one came out. maybe the taxi was waiting for someone. i didn't want to think much of it so i directed my attention to something else - the leaves. have you looked at the leaves before? i'm not talking about seeing them on trees, i'm talking about looking at them; observing and studying them. most poeple won't care about the leaves. i don't. but today, when i saw those leaves fluttering in the wind i began to realise how sad it must have been for the trees. they're trying so hard to hold onto their leaves but because of the strong wind those leaves were stolen away. sure they'll grow new ones but they can never replace those that they've lost. there is no substitute for those whom we care about. we can have a replacement but that won't replace the thing that we lost. imagine how the trees must be feeling when they have to keep replacing those that they've grown fonder for. only the memory of it is left, attached to the skin of its being. my phone rang.

hello.

are you there yet?

nate?

wait for me.

and he hung up.

i was relieved to hear his voice. at least i know he's still there. yet i had a feeling that might be the last time i would hear his voice.

i let the engage tone play on over the phone. for some strange reason, it gives me a form of comfort.

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2010-01-08T11:56:00.000+08:00

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inside a cockroach mind

2009-12-30T10:50:00.011+08:00

move idiot, move! where to? i don't know. just move. i can't. then shut up. think, think! do something, anything. anything? but stupid. shut up! shut up! shut up! now what!? there, go! stupid! shut up! now what? i don't know. what?!

11.55pm.

five minutes! hurry! trying! i can't breathe.

11.58pm.

hurry! i'm trying!

11.59pm.

move! move! move! what? what!? you're hoping. so? you can't hope, be certain!

12.01am.

shit! shit. shit. shit. just do it. now! i can't. what! why? something is not right. i don't fucking care, just do it! wait! not much time to...

tick tock. tick tock. tick tock.

i started another =)

2009-12-26T01:24:00.000+08:00

i've been having the idea of starting another blog, one that's more open. it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago a few colleagues said that they too have two blogs: one for private matter, one for not-so-private matter.

but i didn't want to start it immediately after, i wanted it to have a purpose. but right now, i just find it refreshing having a new skin - since i can't change this one.

so here it is: http://vieews.wordpress.com/

i am probably going to make the other one more 'intellectual' (YAH! LIKE REAL!). cause it's more private (you can't find it on google, unlike this one). it's going to be another channel for me.

i should stop thinking now

2009-12-24T20:06:00.003+08:00

it's stopped. it has got to stop. i have to stop considering my 'other' options.

the only available ones are here. since i worry too much; or write too long, what's available for me is quite simple; not complicated or confusing.

i know where i want to work. i know what course would be relevant. and the options are (were) already available for me. so i have got to stop worrying and.

it's either of the three public universities. that's it. this conversation, and consideration, is over ruzaini. it's over. so stop!

you were here

2009-12-24T15:30:00.005+08:00

you are dead. you are gone. you left me here, all alone. to be by myself. to be with me. i didn't know what to do and what to think. i didn't know what happened. you didn't tell me and you didn't say anything. what was i to do? what was i to think? who was i to be?

you were all i had. you were my strength, my power, my life. you were everything to me. you meant everything to me. you were here with me and i love you and let out a prayer to not let you be away. to let let us part from each other. to be with one another. i love you. and that's all that matters.

you were whom i thought about when i was down. you were whom i have faith in. you were whom i know who i am. you were whom i care. you were part of me. you were me.

what am i to do now? what am i suppose to think now? who should i believe? who should i think about?

i am lost without you. i am broken without you. i despise the thought of losing you. i felt i am gone. i felt i am lost. i am without direction and thought. my faith has dissolved. i'm solvent to the enormity of circumstance that has befallen my gratuitous self.

why did you do this to me? why did you bring me into your life and then drop me off? like i'm thrash. why did you get to know me and love me only to sword through my heart. why did you want to hurt me?

i hate you! i hate you for being part of my life. i hate you for making me part of you. i hate you for creating 'us'.

go! just go away amd don't come back. don't haunt me with our memories. don't haunt me in my sleep. don't think about me anymore. just go. go!

still deciding, and it's because i'm afraid

2009-12-22T13:43:00.004+08:00

i've done my thorough research. yet, i'm still unconvinced. why?

llb(hons) is definitely not an easy subject. it's complex and rigorous and intensive. and i want to do it. but i'm very afraid at the prospect of studying the subject. and imagine me, being a lawyer! i'm peeing in my pants just thinking about it! (who in their right mind wouldn't?)

*sighs*

*saw a cute guy and had this monologue: excuse me sir, can i see you behind? i need to fuck you right now. (smiles)*

doink!

(the following is written hours later. it's now 12am)

"I've read it is as difficult as Oxbridge but it has a great rep so will be worth the slog"

i chanced on this while doing my research. it's from: http://www.traineesolicitor.co.uk/forums/undergraduate-discussion/3609-llb-university-london-external-system.html

it excites me more, and i'm more psyched to do the llb. but a couple of things came to mind:

1. this was a subjective view, meaning oxbrigde (as well as the uk universities law programme) standard maybe higher.

2. this is comforting, as it shows how difficult the course is (or can be) and that i might not lose out to my competition from oxbridge. (see the nullification?)

3. it's more about me and how i want to succeed. i've gone through 'O' and 'A' level and from my results i can gauge just about where i am at. so it means i have nothing to fret. now that i have more time, and i'm in control of it, i should be wise enough to decide on to do and how to do it better. i don't have a "rigid" school curriculum and activities to take up my time; i have as much time as i want to dedicate to my learning.

*4. of course i do not have the privilege of training for presentation, learning a new language(s), communication skills, research, internship, formal meetings with the bigs boys and girls, relevant and important contacts (before graduating), workforce exposure(?) and day-to-day schooling (which was responsible for my discipline back in school). this might put me at a (huge) disadvantage. so i have to carefully consider. (ruzaini, refer to point 3)

5. and i cannot grow complacent and believe those not in the course are inferior than i am. we differ only in the knowledge we decide to pursue. etiqutte, attitude, aptitude and the way we work (i.e. how) don't differ that much and it is these qualities that determine my own success. our success. so i shouldn't look down on people. instead, i appeal to them to be on the same page and standard as i am, or slightly lower.

6. regarding finding a job, the skills i grilled myself to acquire would do me fine! i may not have the specific or technical knowledge but having a law degree will put me on a relatively safe ground. i need to prove to myself, and them, that i can work and i deserve the best. it'll earn me respect and confidence. and in the long run, i wouldn't ask for more.

7. since i am mentally prepared, i shouldn't have doubts. it will only falter my determination. i need to stop looking at the: "what if i had done this..." or "what if i did this..." or "should i take this up instead..." it will only bring me no where. (i'm kinda proud to say that i am gradually teaching myself how to think like a lawyer: "i think, therefore i am".)

it's an investment. and i have to play rough if i want good returns. yes?

this was what i felt yesterday

2009-12-21T22:05:00.003+08:00

this song was going on:"and have a little christmas..."

and this was on my mind:"i'm so pissed, annoyed, frustrated, bothered!"

it was a very bad day. partly due to my lack of sleep the night before, and for the most part i was annoyed by the amount of debts i put myself in. i spent the night thinking about what i could do and how i am able to help myself. apparently, that didn't work and i went to work groggy. my face was so black. i felt like shit. and i was exhausted for most part of the time. it was a horrible day and i was in an even more horrible state. i was so easily ticked that i'm quite sure i would've given some customers a good shelling. and we know what's gonna happen next...

but i have come up with a solution; a practical one. and in the process i taught myself financial management. it's about manipulating the numbers and having faith in my sanity (weird expression but it's apt). correct. and because of that i could get a good night sleep. and this morning i sprayed YSL l'homme eau de toilette and walked out of the house feeling positive.

but i think i might have anger management problem. or the way i managed my anger is a problem. either way, my mind is on to it. and it will let me know when it's done.

i'm angry

2009-12-11T19:45:00.003+08:00

i am so angry!

i've got so much anger inside me that i can just snap. it sucks to hacve this feeling but what to do?

i'm mad at my dad. i'm angry at myself. i'm annoyed at stupid customers. i'm irritated by slow walking people. i'm frustrated at my phone. i'm pissed at my state.

pissed! pissed! pissed!

really. i'm not joking. i am so very angry i'm practically boiling on the inside. and i'm too angry to say anymore.

UHM!

the dream i had last night

2009-12-04T14:58:00.003+08:00

i had strange dream last night.

i was in this mosque. and the azan is being heard. the mosque was dimly lit, and the walls were moldy green. and there was a bar in the mosque, near to where the imam is to pray. and the bar was selling alcoholic drinks while the azan is being heard. and there were muslims buying those drinks and gulping down shots after shots of vodka. i was there. instead of going to the imam, i went to the bar and sat there, watching the drinks being poured and people drinking. i didn't have a drink myself but neither did i stop them from buying and drinking. when i looked to my left, there were people praying, or they looked like they were trying to pray but they kept being distracted. this huge moldy green mosque has got so little people, most, if not all, of whom suddenly turned to look like zombies. they look grotesque and disturbing. they wanted to pray but break away and laugh. some even rolled around. the mosque started to get dimmer, and the "beings" seemed to have grown in number. i didn't know what was happening or what to do but i know, for sure, that it was odd, and wrong. yet, i did nothing but stood watching as the place becomes moldier - as if running down very quickly - and dimmer, and trapping me. i didn't go over to the imam or anywhere near him. i stood, transfixed, at where the "beings" are. they were scary looking but they didn't scare me, or rather i wasn't afraid of them. i was more afraid of my reluctance to perform my prayers.

and then my dad woke me up for the dawn prayers. i was still feeling very afraid of the nightmare.

in the woods

2009-11-30T20:15:00.010+08:00

ssh. hush. can you hear it?

there it is again. listen.

quiet now.

do you hear it?

there it is. there it is again.

it sounds like...like...

they're crying. can you hear tears? they're crying. one, two, three, four, five,...

wait.

i hear something else.

listen.

who i am, truly

2009-11-28T12:26:00.008+08:00

i appear as

friendly,
outgoing,
caring,
polite,
considerate,
fun,
kind,
etc.

but really, i am

selfish,
self-centered,
self-indulgent,
vengeful,
spiteful,
callous,
etc.

i'm reading character analysis by wilhelm reich. (reich is a psychiatrist, and the book is a compilation of his theories and studies.) after reading several of the case studies presented, i come to realise who i truly am.

apparently, sometimes, character traits are known as character resistance that acts as an armour to protect one's self. to recognise the difference (if it's a genuine character trait or a symptom) requires knowledge and experience (and a certificate, which i do not have).

it hasn't been very nice for me (either). and like one of his patients, it seems that i've been influenced into becoming who i am today. i've made myself a guard and i've been putting it on since. it's an unconscious effort. i only see the final product. but it's all a result of my infantile experience. my childhood and growing up facing the adversities has "toughened" me up by taking away and hiding the vulnerability and creating in its place something more hostile and to cover that up it creates a character resistance that opposes it.

"the passive feminine characetr is an example of a third type of armouring. on the surface, he appears to have an acquiescent and mild disposition, but in analysis we get to know it as an armouring that is difficult to dissolve." (wilhelm reich)

it's complex and deeply multi-layered in the unconscious mind. in short, i'm lost within myself and that's what been making it hard for me to stand firm my ground.

all these may not be necessary, or relevant. but i've been feeling empty and hollow. and i just want to fill it up without forking out any money. of course, i do have to be extremely careful or i might end up killing myself, literally.

wish me luck!

from stoker to meyer

2009-11-23T10:21:00.009+08:00

why are vampires so sexy? that instead of running away from them, i so want them to suck me (my blood, i mean)!

from stoker to meyer, they just get sexier!

it's one of the greatest porn ever made. think about it.

so screw righteousness and prejudice against gayism, vampirsm is indicative of such moral hypocrisy existing in our society. this vein runs through us all.

it is the act of bringing out this fantasy is what causing our desire to relentlessly repress our need to be accepting of what we are - sexual beings. conversation on sex are left for the intimacy of a smaller group of people. it is not an appropriate conversation topic when we're among many people. this irony is cultured through time and before long it becomes an unspoken rule; silenced.

i think sex talk make us feel naked, and undesirable; who wants to appear naked in public?

but whatever it is, if i see a vampire as hot as brad pitt (was), i'll surrender myself.

you see, i see the image as form of approval for us to indulge in sin and not feel guilty. we simply think about it, let it out and we watch it. as if we're a medium for all this sex, and we don't actively participate in the process.

well, we did. but watching it is passive. it's less wrong, but twice as fun. just like porn.

our health is based on our sexual gratification (freud). so as long as we feel sexually satisfied, active or passive, we're happy (studies have shown that it's the same ecstacy).

and i'm so gay about it!

when reading a book

2009-11-18T14:04:00.004+08:00

when i am reading a book, a fiction book, i am now more aware of the writer's style and treatment of how s/he wishes to write. i guess i got it from dr s (the sensitivity part); she's a great teacher and i love to be taught by her.

the way the writer writes is heavily influenced by his/her culture. i notice this after reading books by eastern writers (the translation): murakami and toto chan write differently from jhumpa lahiri, likewise for orhan pamuk and catherine lim. but novelists from the same culture has got similar style. the general feel is similar, but, of course, personal style differs.

then i began to wonder about western writers. they differ too! murdoch writes different from atwood and auster.

this realisation made me excited to read more books by different writers from different cultures. it's showed me how powerful natural langauge is, and how much one's mother tongue influences one's thinking and aquisition of second and subsequent language - but this is for another time.

(perhaps, it's because of this my english "sounds" clumsy and i keep bashing myself about it.)

of course they're people gifted with the ability to acquire language quickly and communicate well in the respective language "rules". meaning when they speak english, it's neutral and not accented by their mother tongue. when they write in english, it "sounds" english.

this was what i realised when reading the translation of the writer's work. the japanese essence of murakami's works is retained in the translation, and the same goes for pamuk's. so although it has been translated to english, the essence of the original language the literature was written in is kept and that is important in understanding the writer's background and subsequently the culture s/he grew up in. it tells of the bigger story and the history of the anthology. isn't that just fascinating?!

what i'm good at

2009-11-17T09:08:00.002+08:00

if everyone has something they're good at, then i think i know mine: i'm good at creating drama.

but is this ok?

my story

2009-11-12T14:15:00.004+08:00

this is my story.

once upon a time there was a boy. to him, he is ordinary. however, little did he know that being different - both on the inside and outside - would make a difference to how he is going to be as he is growing up.

like any other boy, he was sent to school. on the first day, he realised that not everyone likes him. but he didn't think much of it and continue making friends. and he did make friends. they were not many, and he wished he has, but they were enough.

then one day, he was...touched. by his own cousin. his cousin is a growing male teenager with raging hormones and heaps of curiosity to try out and know more about new things. now, this little boy is "soft" and young. he didn't know what was happening but what he did know was that it was enjoyable. he wasn't sure if he was enjoying it but it was enjoyable. the touching didn't happen just once. they happened severally.

a few years later, the boy started to realise another thing: he is attracted to boys. then he thought back of all the incidents that happened after the touching and this new realisation. his fantasies were that he was the girl being touched by the boy. it made him think.

the thought lingered on for a few more years later. he started to drop hints and showed certain signs, all while trying to be as discreet as possible. meanwhile, he was trying to grasp the matter himself. and fearing for his safety, he didn't tell anyone, not even his family.

when the boy was sixteen, the "new thing" became apparent to him. (much later he got to know that) people around him began to confirm their suspicion behind his back. at this age, too, he started to explore himself and understand what was going on.

he went on several dates. none of them went very well and because of that he decided to give dating a break.

at the age of eighteen, he came out to some of his friends. he told only those he could trust and (especially) those who would remain neutral about it. it wasn't an easy thing to do. but he was glad he did.

eversince then, he has been curious of what it was like to be different. articles, news, stories related to him caught his interest and he started reading extensively on the subject matter. he searched for people whom he can talk to and help him understand better. the more he got to know about it, the more at peace he becomes. and he stopped giving reasons and excuses to himself. he started embracing them.

he didn't know that by meeting people and letting himself into "the circle" would make any difference. initially, he lust over the men he talked to. now, he could talk to them casually. it gave him a very good feeling.

taking in what is different is never easy. but that's the hardest part.

(if only his family has the same thinking. he would've let them in a lot sooner.)

ps: this is my first time telling the story public

it is called "not taking it to heart"

2009-11-09T20:31:00.003+08:00

i have been thinking.

i was thinking about who i am and how i am to other people. i don't know how they see me and i'm quite curious to know.

this is why: i am the guy that no one invites to birthday parties, gatherings, or just for company. it truly and deeply saddens and devastates me that i'm left out from all those. it made me wonder who am i to them?

am i a friend or just some person they know? have i done enough or nothing at all? or do they think i'm too busy with other people or the things i do? i don't know, honestly. and i would like to, if i could.

i guess it's because i've chosen not to actively go out and force such things (friendships / relationships). this is who i am. i don't want to change it. i don't want to be someone else anymore. it's taken me very long to understand myself and who i can be. i am comfortable.

after saying this, i feel...nothing. because i've gone through this before and i've learnt to comfort myself by saying that hey! i got me! *smiles (and i genuinely smile)

so, if it doesn't bother me then why am i making it (sound) as such? because i wanted to let it out and make it incumbent to feel guilty (because this is what it's all about).

it makes me feel guilty that i'm not spending more time with other people. it makes me feel guilty they don't feel like they matter to me. it makes me feel guilty i don't make them feel i matter to them. it makes me feel guilty that i put myself down by intrepidly telling my inferior self i am not good enough a friend. it makes me feel guilty i am worth-less than their other friends. it makes me feel guilty how i undercut myself. so it has got to stop. i am stopping this right now.

not everything is about friends. not everything is about the outside and the extension of myself. i am an actor (and i can now call myself an actor). i have a job, and that is to unattached my emotions.

i am feeling better. i don't have to take it to heart unless i want to anyway. it is a choice. and i choose.

i was thinking of the moon

2009-11-08T19:08:00.005+08:00

i was thinking of the moon. i was thinking of the moon before i thought of you.

it has been days since i last spoke of you. how have you been? i sent you a prayer not too long ago. here, i just sent for another. wait for it. listen.

the moon looks nice tonight doesn't it? it's plain obscure self hiding - hidden - from what it doesn't wish to see. maybe it's afraid. maybe it's afraid of its own shadow.

the glass feels nice tonight; as if it's a piece of velvet cut from a long....

i can see the moon on the glass but not the glass on the moon. i see you. but do you see me?

the reason i go to school

2009-11-02T19:57:00.008+08:00

i go to school because i want to study. i want to study very hard and make my mummy and daddy happy. my mummy and daddy always told me that i should not be lazy because lazy people will not be happy. my friend g is lazy, and he looks happy. my mummy and daddy are not lazy but they don't look happy.

i go to school because i want to see my friends. i have many friends. we like to talk to each other. we talk to each other on so many things and for very long. one day, i heard some the girls talk about some of the very cute boys in school. i was interested.

the guys

2009-10-16T12:08:00.003+08:00

the guys are:

1. ryan reynolds
2. enriques iglesias
3. hugh jackman
4. simon baker
5. jonathan rys meyer

why i love

2009-10-15T23:38:00.007+08:00

why i love is because it makes me happy.

she is my support. she makes me strong and she makes me happy. she made happy strong me. i am happy she is strong for me.

well, i'm happy and strong because she is happy and strong. a happy and strong me make a confident and sexy me. and confident and sexy me mean believing in and being who i am.

she doesn't need to know everything because she already does i reckon. i don't need to tell her. i think she knows i know. i know she doesn't know i know. i know she knows. we both know. but we don't tell each other.

as for him, that is still someone whom i want to meet and know. so i'm not entirely happy.

but then again, we cannot get the absolute.

i am an enfp

2009-10-08T10:51:00.006+08:00

(from http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes3.asp)

ENFP

(Strength of the preferences % )
Extraverted 22%
Intuitive 50%
Feeling 50%
Perceiving 22%

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
-slightly expressed extravert
-moderately expressed intuitive personality
-moderately expressed feeling personality
-slightly expressed perceiving personality

(the following was taken from http://keirsey.com/personalityzone/wz21.asp)

Idealist: Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions

Careers

People naturally confide in the Champion (ENFP). That's why they make such good mediators, counselors, teachers, consultants, and reporters. Any position that outreaches to others can fit the Champion. They can be columnists, journalists, publicists, copy writers, advertising account executives. In the arts they can be character actors, cartoonists, art educators. If they choose jobs such as restaurateur, be sure that their business sites will be unique and designed for a particular type of customer. Don't be surprised to see them as an inventor. This type of personality wants to experience the whole of life and may change careers more often than many other types. Says Charles, "I've had a number of jobs and when there is nothing left to create, I move to something new. I want my life to be spiced with newness, love, and joy."

Example:
Journalist/Reporter
Psychology
Counseling
Fitness & Nutrition
Recreation Specialist
Social Work
Education
Art
Musician
Acting and Performances
Literature/Writer
Film Producer
Management
Public Relations Specialist
Marketing
Fashion Merchandising
Famous people of your particular type
Mark Twain, Bill Cosby, Oprah Winfrey, Betty Friedan

Dealing with Stress from Work: Idealists Out of Balance

The Champion is usually a bundle of energy, but they can become exhausted if they are overloaded with work. They also will experience stress if their values and principles are violated and they see others in the company being hurt by policies that kill the human spirit. Then they become hypersensitive to what is going on around them. Facts become exaggerated. They have feelings of paranoia and may withdraw. To regain their equilibrium, meditation will help. Kindness and support by others, but not patronization, will help them get back to normal. Says Gloria, “I’d given a number of years of support to one boss, then he started bad-mouthing me. It threw me into a turmoil. I became suspicious of him and everyone else. Then a friend said that the boss was blowing up at everyone, not just me, and encouraged me to look at a position in a new section. I meditated to become centered again, then applied for the job. I love my new job and now life is great again. My old boss retired; he was drinking too much.”

Men and Romance
Part 3: Idealist Men
By Dr. Lovegood

Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Some even enjoy shopping. Many women find this intensely appealing while others view them as effeminate (or gay, like me!).

Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness. Women are likely to appreciate their ability to simply listen without trying to solve problems although they are likely to need to share the stage with the Idealist man who also wants to be heard. Along with sensitivity, Idealists are the most likely type of man to be moody, responding to the moods of those around them.

He never lacks for female companionship. Women seek him out because he's cheerful and believes in them. P.J. has his tendency has been to have very intense relationships which burn out quickly. He's decided that it's probably best to date casually to avoid flash-in-the-pan romances. P.J. figures he'll eventually settle down and have a family but, for now, he enjoys the experience of femininity in many different forms.

Love the One You're With: Tips for Idealists with Non-Idealist Partners

Most of us end up in a relationship with a partner of a different temperament than ourselves. This is due both to statistics (Idealists make up no more than 15-20% of the population), and to our own temperament - we often look for people that bring new interests and excitement to our lives, and this means people that approach life differently than ourselves. As an Idealist, your partner may be another Idealist, but odds are they are an Artisan, Guardian, or a Rational. Here are a few pointers on taking the differences between you and your partner into account, and making the most of them in your quest for relationship bliss.

Rationals can be the most complementary temperament to Idealists. Idealist/Rational pairings can be highly satisfying relationships based on exploring the world of ideas. Imagining possibilities - whether romantic or pragmatic - and creating dreams for the future can represent the epitome of quality time for this pair. Idealists are often initially drawn by the intellectual gymnastics of their Rational partners. Rationals can be fascinated by Idealists' sensitivity and empathy for others.

If you partner is a Rational:

Rationals love to be seen as experts and approached for advice. They rarely lose enthusiasm for talking about their ideas for building and improving systems. If you have an interest, or at least enough knowledge to talk intelligently with them, in their areas of expertise, your relationship has a solid footing.
Help your Rational partner to be romantic. Of all the temperaments, they are the least sentimental, so marking important dates (such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc) on calendars where they will not miss them will help keep them from letting you down on these occasions. Even though it is often hidden, Rationals do have a romantic streak - they just need your help uncovering it.
Remember that your Rational partner is very utilitarian, and will often not even consider people's feelings when making decisions. Try not to take it personally if it is your feelings that weren't considered, but do discuss it with him or her in a non-judgmental way. Rationals are usually good about revisiting decisions based on new data, and your feelings are part of this.

Idealists and Guardians often make good pairs. Idealists can appreciate the Guardians' practicality and ability to deal with day-to-day matters that may interrupt the Idealists' dreams for the future. Guardians may appreciate the Idealists' sensitivity for others and their deep interest in their partner's success. Guardians are the most traditional partners - they'll remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions that are important to you, but their "traditional" behavior may seem at times to you like stubbornness and inflexibility.

If your partner is a Guardian:

Be sensitive to their need to plan ahead, schedule themselves, and be on time. Time can be secondary to you behind attending to relationships, but if you told your Guardian partner you'd be somewhere at a specific time, it is important to them that you meet that commitment.
Gifts are meaningful to your Guardian partner, but the amount of money spent is very important. It needs to be enough to show that they are valued highly but not so much that they feel resources are being wasted.
To make a special or romantic occasion, plan things out in advance, taking care of all the details. Don't try to surprise your partner - let them know the plans in advance. Knowing that everything is already taken care of, they can relax and enjoy your time together.

Artisans may be the most opposite of the other temperaments to Idealists. While you are abstract in your communication and cooperative in your actions, Artisans live in the here and now, and are more concerned with results than following rules or smoothing peoples' feelings. Idealists are often initially drawn to Artisans because of their zest for life, spontaneity, sensuality, and sense of being in the present. Artisans can be drawn to Idealists by their sensitivity, empathy for others, and sincere interest in other' success. On the other hand, the Artisans' disinterest in exploring and discussing their own, and your, inner lives can leave Idealists feeling unfulfilled.

If your partner is an Artisan:

Enjoy the here and now. Artisans live for the day - Carpe diem! Artisans will bring out the best in your own sense of adventure, so have fun. Just remember, the Artisan is in the moment - you may assign more meaning and sentimentality to spontaneous events than they do.
Develop your own set of Idealist friends with whom you can discuss and examine deep feelings. Your Artisan partner has much less need for this type of analysis, and may grow restless with too much of it. Artisans are concrete, preferring to talk about things that have immediate importance, not the "what could be" that you like to explore.
Don't let your need for harmony cause you to always be the diplomatic partner who simply goes along with your partner's preferences when you have other desires. Artisans' natural mode is to "go for it", and you may often just go along rather than challenge them for fear of confrontation. Don't worry about it - challenge and negotiation are also part of their natural mode. Stay true to yourself, and make sure your needs are known - you'll both appreciate the outcome more.

If your partner really were just like you, life would be very boring indeed. So, celebrate the differences that add spice, understand the ones that would otherwise frustrate you, and let your relationship thrive. Vive la difference!

Maximizing Your Study Environment
Pt.3: Idealists - Study Where The Heart Is

Idealists are the most variable in their needs for a study environment. However, one thing that can strongly affect their ability to study is the emotional temperature around them, even if it doesn't directly include them. Idealists find that a positive aura has a synergistic effect on their work output.

Champions (ENFP) need a study environment that is stimulating. They have a very difficult time working alone and quietly. They work best when their ideas bounce off someone else. Paul studied and studied for his psychology mid-term. It didn't seem to help. Then he went to a study session. As he started talking and getting feedback, he was amazed at how much he actually knew. He aced the exam.

Capitalizing on Your Intelligence Style
Part 3: Idealists' Diplomatic Intelligence
By The College Advisor

Idealists want a dream job and the best matches fitting their type of intelligence and skills. Possessing natural diplomatic intelligence, they empathize with others, communicate in a global language that allows others to add their own meanings, and seek harmony with all.

Champions (ENFPs) have inspirational diplomatic intelligence. Champions use interactions with others to gain new insights and spot deeper issues for both individuals and groups. They use words to paint pictures to inspire others to meet new challenges and go beyond that which is easy.

Kirby has been studying Kinesiology and Health Promotion. He'd like to travel to Third World Countries to improve health conditions. "I hate to see people suffering because of poor sanitation and ignorance about healthy ways of living. When I graduate, I'll be associated with a missionary group that provides medical assistance and health information." If you're a Champion, how does your major help develop inspirational diplomatic intelligence?

qoute from joe butt: "ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends."(http://typelogic.com/enfp.html)

blunt blundering

2009-10-07T08:12:00.005+08:00

ok...

turns out, my plan won't work!

i don't have enough to do everything and still graduate a semester earlier! OH SHUX!

so either i take more mods and graduate later or matriculate straight to nus.

option 1

exemptions allowed for up to 1) 8MCs (1 gen ed + 1 breadth), 2) 12MCs (3 mods) of UE and 3) 20MCs programme requirement. i.e. 20MCs! ( i know. wtf, right?)

option 2

apply to fass. or apply to civil engine then transfer to fass. =(

i did some calculations last night to see if its worth going poly and find out that i won't have enough MCs to do the other mods unless i stay longer (i.e. it'll be the same as going uni straight)!

man! i hate this dilemma. on one hand, i wanna try out my luck in poly before going uni. on the other, i wanna do so many things in uni which i can't cause of the credit exemptions.

i was very sure i wanted to go poly two weeks ago. now, i'm not.

pissed, disappointed, confused.

i had my reasons. they were:

1) i was looking for an alternative route for my education
2) i like being part of the poly culture
3) i don't wannabe caught in the same rat race as the "JC kids" ("poly kids" are more laid back but they still produce results)
4) i got a diploma in business
5) which allows me to do sth that i like in uni (philo/tsd/lit/e lang/eu studies/pol sci)

but the reason that negates them all

*6) i suddenly don't have a good feeling about going poly

i want to create opportunities for myself. i want to grow as a person and a performer. so i thought that maybe taking the longer and less travelled by route will give me some satisfaction. OBVIOUSLY, NOT!

i like the mods offer at np biz school. i getta do a lil bit of marketing, pr, advertising and business admin. yet i'm having doubts if i should do this. why?

ran an ant

2009-10-04T01:48:00.004+08:00

rant, rant, rant, rant, rant..

well actually, i haven't got anything interesting to say. just wanted to blog cause i miss you. hadn't been here since 7th sept 09!

since i don't have anything to say, why not i write down my plans? =)

i plan to go np and do biz studies with a marketing communication option. in my last sem i'll apply to nus and do philo and tsd. yeah i know i'm not the best person here with the impeccable command of language. that's why i am going to work hard and do an hons in either one of them. maybe even minor in one and use my remaining mods to do a few langauge mods. awesome right? sounds like a plan to me!

i don't know. i have this obsession with the high level of thinking. it just interests me although i sometimes grasp for what i am saying / want to say. one would think that i have good command of english. well, i'm more comforatble speaking / talking then writing. guess that makes up 40% of everything.

i'm excited for school! finally, my brains are forced to work and i can keep my mind safe and active. i've kept it idle for so long and i'm beginning to doubt my own intelligance. now, how sad is that?

you see, even as i am typing this, i am saying it. so it's not quite written language. it's a physical form of spoken language; which is technically different. i reckon that's the controversy with msn and sms or internet and new media language. they've been misinterpreted, interspersed and now, confused. tsk tsk tsk.

i haven't been reading the papers, or keeping up with current affairs for that matter. my world is how i physically see / hear / taste (eat) / feel it. nothing more than two plus two equals to square-headed me. how can i think outside the box!? i only see the box but not what's outside of it cause i'm in the box; squared and trapped. as it's said in defending the caveman, "hindered by logic." (it's actually "not hindered by logic", but i changed it for contextual fitting purposes).

if i cannot see what's beyond me how can i be sure that it exists? based on the notion "seeing is believing", if i cannot see my future what makes me so sure that it'll come true? i guess that's where IMAGINATION comes in (from image + calculation). i perceive an image then calculate its distance to estimate how far i go; and that's can be boundless cause i've no sign to say where to stop. true?

ok i gotta go sleep now. eyes getting tired and mind's freaking out.

cheers!

beating the beatened

2009-09-07T11:36:00.004+08:00

i am feeling guilty.

i feel guilty because i did something wrong, and i don't know what to do now. do you?

i am feeling uncomfortable and restless. i cannot sit still and i don't want to stand. i don't want to sleep and i don't want to lie down.

something is here.

something saw what i did. something knew. and something wants to tell.

i wish i hadn't done it.

oh! how i'm sincerely wishing now!

i only have my regrets to live with. i am very sorry. i am very sorry for what i did.

why didn't this come before i did what i did?

then, i wouldn't have done it. and i wouldn't have this feeling. and this all wouldn't have happenned.

between school, work, and everything in between

2009-08-08T23:52:00.001+08:00

i am in a dilemma, again. i feel like going to school now.

i wanted to go to either of the three universities. but i fucked up. big time i think. no. i did fuck up.

and i had that reconciled: work for a year, then go to school, continue working while schooling.

but things have changed. i now wanna go to school. maybe it's because of peer pressure. unconditionally and unknowingly, my mind changed on its own. i suspect it happened when i was sleeping. =)

anyhow, i am thinking of going to a private school like itc or sim or stansfield. payment is one thing. studying. no. schooling itself is hard. i mean law? hello!

i am also interested in advertising and pr and marketing. because it's business, and it's about creativity. i like being creative although i'm not that good at it. heehee. but i like it.

i like so many things. and i can put my mind to them. but sadly, that's a lie. i can only put my mind to some of them. others are...wishy washy iffy flippy kinda things.

like acting. i am putting my mind to it. most of it, all the time. law...uhr...that's a tuffy. english: seventy to eighty-nine percent of the time. other languages: always dream of them. you know, sometimes i wish i have this ability where i meet people from different races and i immediately talk to them in their langauge. like french to the french, german to the german, mandarin to the chinese, japanese to the japanese, etc. yeah. wouldn't that be cool!?

oh. and i'm on a movie marathon today. from the gray man to fame to taking pelham 123.

i bought a new wallet yesterday. cost me $39. and a new pair of contact lenses ($16). and 12 face masks for $11.70. then to al-majlis for dinner ($15). played cluedo. took photos with nurul, sulina and zallie. had fun.

been a long time (very long) since i last spent my friday nights. so it was good. i appreciate it. ok, gotta continue watching taking pelham 123 now. till next entry! =)

president obama speaks

2009-07-28T21:39:00.002+08:00

another official

2009-07-24T23:44:00.002+08:00

i've got another official, diary: officially bad employee selling techniques / tactics.

for phuk sake man. i don't know what the phuk to say. actually, i don't know 'how' to say it. that's more precise - knowing 'how' to say it!

i had one interview today. and i told ina and karyn about what i said. they flipped! cause apparently, i didn't say the right stuffs! i said something like "try" for the job, which according to ina is a total put off.

ONE SHOULD NEVER SAY "TRY THIS JOB"!

man. i really got a lot to learn. A WHOLE PHUKING LOT!

if i were to be...

2009-07-06T11:40:00.004+08:00

(a) a recording artist

if i were to be a recording artist, i want to have my songs written by people (great musicians) all over the whole and sung in as many languages and genres as i possibly can. my reason: so that everyone can be entertained!

this may seem like a domination but its not. imagine this: beyonce having her record in french, italian, chinese, malay, etc. those who can't understand her in english will get to enjoy what the song is in their own language. plus, it forms that more intimate relationship between me and those who give me their support. after all, people like those who speak their language (like the french, i am proud they're proud of their language.); it shows they love who they are.

talk about french, i wish frederic and francois can have their records in english too. yes i know it'll lose its essence and i don't want it that happen at all but i also want to understand their song. that way, they can have more people supporting them.

alternatively, i can learn french. but what if we both learn each other's language? isn't that (way) better?

(b) an actor

i have done some acting but i won't call myself an actor yet. that's cause i don't feel that i fit the role well enough. there're still many things i gotta do and learn before i'm fully prepared to be an actor.

having said that, one i gotta build up on my stamina, then my voice, learn how to sing, and dance well, and learn as many languages as i can, for reasons stated above. besides it brings in (a lot more) money.

facebook quizzes

2009-07-02T13:35:00.002+08:00

have you seen or done any of those quizzes on facebook?

i particularly have a certain dislike for some of them, such as "when will you die", "how long will you live", "what age will you get married", "what sign is your life partner", etc. i find them ridiculous and almost cursing.

that's just me. others might say that it's just for fun and no harm intended. but like i said, it's just me.

i'm not superstitious. but such quizzes are dehumanizing and mortalising the Great Being.

as such, i do not like them. i do get a little annoyed when i see them tho. and i wish they would stop (being created).

on the same note, i find some other quizzes just stupid in the fundamental human intellect sense. why are people doing these things? what are they doing? hahak

nightmares

2009-06-26T08:39:00.003+08:00

for the past few nights i've been having nightmares.

from being in a horror movie to experiencing supernaturals myself (no, not the real ghosts, just the ones my mind created). but of all, i think last night was blog worthy.

i believe that dreams are our suppressed inner feelings that come out as images when we are most relax (sleeping). so when they surface, i don't usually brush them aside unless they're really ridiculous.

last night i dreamt i was really mad at this someone - who happen to be someone i know. i can't recall her face but i remember vividly that i saw her face when i was dreaming of her.

in the dream, i went insane. i was yelling at the top of my lungs and throwing things around (which is what i won't normally do!). the dream is set at a cafe by the way. and i was working at this cafe. i didn't throw anything else but knives, scissors, forks at her. making sure i'll hit her but purposely miss when i actually threw them.

the argument started when she went back on her words on me. she promised that i'll have a decent live if i work at this cafe that she owns. oh now i remember, she's the bully who always picks on me! so it was meant to be a truce or something.

but obviously she didn't stop lah. she humiliated me in front of everyone else time and again until finally that time, i snapped. i was raging mad so i charged at her, beating her so hard so that she'll feel the pain, so much pain. i remember having slammed her face to the door and pinning her down next to it while yelling and (practically) crushing her bones by sitting on her with my full body weight. and hitting her several times. mind you, i threw punches, not sissy slaps. yet all the time, she didn't fight back. it was as if she knew she had deserved it. strange ain't it?

now to what's happening in my life at this period.

i've been offered a job as a credit collector. my job is basically to call customers that they've to pay up. it pays $7/hr, 9 hours work each day for five days and four weeks each month, excluding the 10 hours of OT i must do each week (or so i was told). financially, the job pays more lah and it's also more stable. but i'm not enjoying the thought of it, more so about the work itself. so that goes to say that i'm not particularly interested in it or at all excited about the prospect.

i don't mind working in the theatre for 13 hours every weekend for free. when gilly offered me the job, i took it up immediately without any thinking twice.

but for this job...hmmph...you get what i'm trying to say?

so i guess, in my dream last night i was both person - the hitter and the one who got hit. although i enjoyed hitting her (almost to her death), she didn't seem to flinch or fight back or hurt for that matter. which is even more bizarre. naturally, this wouldn't be the case eventhough i'm the one "controlling" the dream.

anyhow, over-interpretation aside i think it was a sign or some sort: that i shouldn't let myself be bullied (this i know when my inner demon had to come out) or pressured into doing something which i don't want / dislike /adverse / hate / resent.

guess i'll be calling my agent and telling her i've changed my mind.... =(

...that is to say...

2009-06-23T14:06:00.003+08:00

i'm 21. and this shouldn't be a worry or something of that sort but i really feel left out not being in a relationship before.

I KNOW! LIKE WTH AM I WORRYING OR SHOULD BE? it's not something major or what.

but here's the thing...i feel like it is.

21: single, virgin, haven't drunk / smoke /getta tattoo, feel any sense of importance. man, i do feel pathetic. for having this feeling, and having the thought of having this feeling. like i got nothing better to do. or anything interesting to keep me company but to dwell on such menial stuffs. shux!

and now i think i'm childish. a man with a child's mind and child's thinking. maybe that is why i'm not making more friends than i can; they get put off by my stupidity and naivety. right?

this is not overthinking. this is just...considering (a thought).

one of the play in short and sweet is about alzheimer's. and it states that: keeping the mind and body active can and will help to prevent diseases. so i'm just keeping my mind busy with...thoughts.

maybe it's because they don't get me. or maybe that's too cliche / passe.

now i know why i couldn't make it to VS/RI/VJ/RJ/Law Fac/any elite schools. i'm way too dumb be a... a... manager even! hahak aka (that is to say) - not cut out for it.

i'm not that intelligent always = sometimes i'm not that smart = sometimes i am intelligent. so which one am i looking at (most of the time)? hmmph...

(to see that i'm even considering says something, right?)

and this is what i mean!!! i think what i think and write is something intelligent / adult-sounding but after re-reading, it's utter rubbish. *heres another one: i'm uttering rubbish! (AH! HELP ME. SAVE ME FROM ME!).

(i'm resisting the urge to change and rewrite what i've written but i won't cause i want to see it written down, and look at my mistake and...the restis history.)

at this point - i feel like a total idiot. *sobs and cries and wails.

haiks ruzaini, ruzaini...or (is it) zaini, zai, ruzai, nini, didi, ujai, zu, ruru, ruzini, ruzaiynie, ....

alone and lonely

2009-06-20T22:48:00.004+08:00

i was telling liyana (griffiths) the other day when i went her place: i realised that at the age of 21, what we've always worked for is seen. like visible.

for yana, she likes business and teaching. and she's been doing both extensively. fatah got into mass comm and a scholarship as a cabin crew- two things which he really wanted. me: i've always loved theatre and look at where that has brought me - esplanade, touch the light boards, asm, know people. must say, i do feel lucky (remember about being jealous of others?). =)

i just come back from hafeez's birthday party. it was great and awesome. but i was slightly disappointed: i thought i was their friend but i was ignored most of the time. guess i'm still known as the clerk and not part of their gang (and here i stupidly thought i am). the bmc sgts all joked and talked around but i didn't feel like part of the group. it was quite embarrassing. guess i'm kinda done. i'm not as close to them as i thought i was. uhm...so don't bother about trying. they won't care anyway. x|

and guess i know who my friends are; or rather the ones who feel that i matter as much as i do about them. i mean i do care for everyone i befriended. EVERYONE. yet, if they don't feel about it too, guess it's stupid to hope and try so hard. hahak.

smile and laugh it out ruz. smile and laugh it out. =)

oh ya. i'm in the craze for french music, french pop music! Frédéric Lerner. sexy and good taste in music (ok this is bias. it's more to my liking than the general public. ahahahahahak).

i mean after all live has to go on. be it what people think of you, thicken yourself, and move on la! hahak. just don't care as much as they don't care about me lor. i'm lonely and alone, i know. but suck it in boy and smile and laugh, smile and laugh.

people who matters to me and vice versa: my mum, siti, ayah, astri, liyana bar, hana, sufirah, ina, karyn, liyana griffiths.

and i'm giving up on dating. i'm no good. no one wants me. i feel weird when i'm dating / seeing someone. again, i'm lonely and alone. i've learn to smile and laugh even when my heart is wrenched and miserably languorous. and i can do it! just brush away the subject and smile and laugh. i have me. i have ME. I HAVE ME! I HAVE ME!!

and me will not go away. me is my alter ego who is just as lonely and alone. but when you put us together, there'll be no difference. there'll be no sense of filling of companionship. weird huh? but it's true. i guess maybe that is why i withdraw to myself most of the time. the only time i'm really empowered and feeling powerful is with astri / hana / yana / ina / karyn / any combination of the names listed and i'm on that stage as a performer. =)

a response from a blog entry

2009-06-14T13:38:00.001+08:00

here's my response from reading a blog entry (http://thelatterdays.blogspot.com/2009/02/beyonce-possession-video-series.html and http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=90805407978&h=FhVDV&u=6R2-A&ref=mf) i got from nurul (ycp):

hey there.

ok i agree with you that beyonce / sasha uses greek mythology as part of her persona - in her music and to a certain extent, her life. i can clearly see that.

i am convinced by your argument, and fervent belief in what you think.

however, i am not buying it all. you get me?

greek mythlogy is an interesting subject to play around with. we see it in many great literary works and periods. but what makes it interesting can also cause people to read deeper into what is portaryed, sometimes too deep.

"sasha fierce was born when i did crazy in love" (sorry if i've misquoted). i think quite simply it means: people - the mass public - starts to identify and look at beyonce as an individual artist, as the person she's made out to be. after all, it's her first single. and it was huge. it caught our attention of this powerful woman.

yes there have been symbolisms and depictions to show this transference, but at the end of the day sasha fierce is just a persona of beyonce. a "someone" she created when she's working because people love and adore that someone. it's a character, and she's lending her body. it's acting. is acting a sin / vice / diabolical then?

however, that is not to say she's been possessed or something like that. she's new, she's fresh and she's a force to be reckon with. not a diabolical force or any demonic descent of that sort. just a force, as in the lay meaning of the phrase "force to be reckon with." simple.

and she said she puts on a persona - sasha fierce - when she's on stage. as a performer myself, i know what she's talking about. we put on a front to brave ourselves in front of the crowd. a psychological barrier that helps to harden ourselves as a means of protection from going crazy by all the energy the audience brings. that is not being possessed. i find that magical.

here's the ethereal part - the stage has the kind of special energy that even when you're really sick, when you get on that stage to perform you will perform as if you're alive and kicking.

it's not something demonic or diabolical because i don't feel that energy / force churning. and i believe that is what every performer (entertainers) feels. it's a good and positive energy that helps us do our job as an entertainer.

so while i admire your "beyonce literature", i do not buy them all.

new exciting fantsay world

2009-06-13T23:59:00.006+08:00

what is real?

how do we decide what's real and what's not? i am not a pychology student nor a philosophy one. but i think i would like to say something about it.

facebook. it's now more real than before. it's present, current, "in". no one in a developed country will not have an account, or at least heard about it. the latest tech is twitter but since i don't have one and it seems to be a celebrity gadget as well, i shan't go in to there.

but my point is this: my so called "virtual life" has become very much part of my "real life"; in short i feel like i'm living in cyberspace as well.

so if i put two and two together, my life has gone virtual too. my entire life has been expanded and extended (since i won't "die" there).

is it good? some people have made their "virtual life" as their real and actual life - feeding, resting, playing and working their cyber persona. this character they made up is usually something more extraordinary than their real and actual life. which is a fair fantasy to play around with but i think it gets derogatory when they start to indulge in it.

indulgence is a permissible sin when done occasionally, and for the sake of pleasure with no intentions of harm. on that note, going overboard and being obsessively absorbed into this new world so much that it starts to harm, i think a bold line should be drawn. there should be a stop to it.

perhaps it's the feeling such exciting place brings which makes people glued to it. however so, as capable and rational adults we know better. we ought to know the limits and stop before it gets worse.

yet, the fun such fantasies bring make them hard to delineate what's "real" and what's not.

i am, myself, becoming less capable of resisting such temptations. i find it necessary to log into my facebook account several times a day and check for any updates though they may not be any, or expecting any.

i fault myself for doing this because i'm showing signs of being "virtualised" (it's more than just having a virtual account: i am referring to the countless number of hours i would rather spend staring at the computer screen than to go out and live like a person should), hence i've to do something before more damges are done (if there have been considered as any already). i mean doing damage controlled is harder.

my solution: go out as often as i can with the people i meet in real life. and love life for what it brings; my REAL life that is, not the one i created online. =)

just a thought

2009-06-08T11:34:00.002+08:00

this is just a thought.

i wonder what kind of boyfriend i'll be (this is just a guess and what i think. results may vary).

1. i will put him second to me.

2. if he cheats, i want him to tell me. we'll talk and i'll forgive (unless we're at the point where he shouldn't and i'll be fuming mad if he cheats).

3. i wouldn't want him to compromise on lots of things. not so much of a change(s), but add-ons.

4. be sincere, faithful and respectful of him (needlessly said, he to me).

5. (if i get one who travels) i don't mind his constant travelling, cause he has to. and if he has sudden and urgent needs to attend to, i'll allow. but he's to be doubled or tripled protected.

6. i think i might be me most of the time.

7. and i hope i don't second the people who've been there for me longer than he has.

ps: i've this feeling i might not get pass 30. and it's terrifying me.

kitty mccallister (walker)

2009-06-07T20:11:00.002+08:00

do you know who kitty mccallister (walker) is?

she is one of the characters in brothers and sisters who is a writer and former radio host, talk back presenter and communications director; married to Robert McCallister, the sentor.

i like her cause i think she's very intelligent. she's good with written language. i wannabe her. i am dreaming of (being someone like) her, again. which i can't i can't. cause that would mean i will be stressing myself unnecessarily again. and i took a great deal to get out of that. hahak.

confession (2)

2009-06-03T22:48:00.004+08:00

i am jealous.

yes. i try to tell me myself that it's envy. or maybe it's more of envy than jealousy but i think i shouldn't lie. it's official. i am jealous.

i want a rich life. or something that money can buy. like holidays or schools.

if i go stansfield and do english, by the end of my course (2011) i have to pay back my loan. depending on which bank, most probably it's immediately after i graduate. but i want a more vibrant student life. i want to go on exchange. to me, it's the only time i get to go away from home for something fun and educational.

but this can only happen if i go to public universities. if it's smu/nus/ntu, i might not get to go (on such trips) because my parents can't afford. so maybe nie(?). i'll get allowance, cpf deduction, and fun on trips overseas. and since they offer drama as a major, i might just do that.

but am i doing the right thing? it's not about being practical or reasonable. am i being fair to myself? should i let myself be subjected to doing things i don't feel passionate for? i am passionate for drama, but not teaching. can i let myself go through such audacity?

i've made a promise to do what i like, and work hard for it. now i have to get back that drive and do what i feel is right. for myself. i only have myself at the end of the day (or at the end). so no matter what i do, i have to answer for them. and live through the consequences.

life is as inconsequential as i sometimes let it. so while i still can, i have to take action! and stick by it. i may not have the mind of hana's, or astri's maturity or yana's brains. but what i have is something different. and it's no less brilliant and beautiful. i may not see it with my eyes. it may not be visible to me, but i've got talent (this i know and very sure of). and it's my decision on how i want to make use of that gift.

so ruzaini, don't tell yourself how lucky people are. believe that you are just as lucky. and lucky people are grouped together. they come to one another naturally. lucky people are grouped together. smile. and embrace their luck. it's how you get your share of it. =)

and this is why i want to keep working, going out with friends, or having some activity. i have to keep my mind busy or i'll retract to this negative/sad/dishearten mood like everything around me is good and i'm having a miserable life. so i need to get back on my feet! and do something!

authors whom i like

2009-06-01T23:00:00.004+08:00

so i haven't been writing for quite some time. partly, it's because i got nothing important to write. and also, i keep forgetting what i want to write (some of my ideas come when i'm not at home). anyhow, i think i should write this down.

i've been reading again. after watching the entire latest season of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives and uglt betty i find the time to read again. last week i couldn't because i was involved in anna karenina by the finnish national ballet. it was at esplanade theatre. PHUKING HELL I'VE MADE IT THERE! NOW TO WORK HARDER SO I CAN HAVE MORE STAGE TIME. damn it's one fine theatre!

i just finished "in the country of last things" by paul auster. and now reading another book by him called "the music of chance."

albeit its futuristic setting, "in the country of last things" is full of events that might probably happened to us city-dwellers if we were to continue living as we are now. it's a story told by anna blume who is a very witty and brave character who's left her home to look for her brother in the city. there isn't any name to this city but auster give us a clear image of devoured it is. there, people either kill themselves or live through the hardship.

there're the Leapers - people who voluntarily kill themselves by jumping off the roof because they can no longer withstand the hardship of extreme poverty. when they die, the Vultures - people who steal from the dead corpes of their belongings - and Scavengers - people who take the belongings of the dead and sell them for glots (their currency) will come, and their bodies will be collected by this other group of people who comes and collect them for burning fuel to generate power. imagine the backdrop of the story the pianist, starring academy-award winner adrien brody. that's pretty much it. and the story is told from the first person narrative in letter-writing form to give the personal relationship. i felt moved when i was reading it. i sympathised with anna but also myself. her world is fiction. ours is real. and she's saying what's real to her, as if to tell us that it's just as real to us. it's almost like a warning.

in the book, there is no form of rescue. any kind of help quickly diminishes as soon as it conjures - from the time she talked to bogat (her brother's employer who sent him to the city to report what's happening) to the wobourn house (that serves as a hospital for the wounded and the sick). they do not last. as soon as anna feels the comfort of such solace, it's taken away. it is as if auster is telling us that hope and faith no longer exists. this is in addition to the missing presence, or even existence, of a devine being. anna even said that she no longer believes in god. and the jews she met in the library said that they "talk to him, but they're not sure if He listen to them or not."

it's a good 21st century gothic novel (thank god i studied gothic for my a's).

as for "the music of chance", it's the story of jim nashe who just inherited his father's money when he passed away and now travelling around the united states aimlessly when he met jack pozzi, a 22 year old poker expert. nashe rescued pozzi one summer morning when pozzi was running away from a group of millionares who've been robbed by a bunch of black-suit men while playing poker. angry at their loss and believing that pozzi was responsible for the attack, they mobbed him but he managed to escape, wounded and hurt but alive. i'm at the part where pozzi was telling his story and nashe realised how similar their lives are. i've yet to read the end of the story.

but it got me thinking of the notion of frailed masculinity. the lack of father figure in a boy's life that led to his reckless living as he is growing up - both of them finished high school simply because their fathers made them promise to, both of them are going around their lives with no solid idea of what they want (gambling their way through - risking the chances they got), nashe left his daughter to his sister's care and he disappears into the states, and both never quite knew their father. "the father" disappears as soon as they're born and suddenly shows up at different points of their lives several years later. and the repetition of their fathers' mistake is their pathos. these men will fall - like their fathers - simply because they're behaving like their father. they are being the men they choose to hate, which in turn means they are hating themselves. and probably that's why they do not have a sense of direction. it's the acme of any man's fall.

i feel bad for them. and worse, i'm seeing it in myself. i am being like my dad, somehow, eventhough i resent him at times (cause of the things he does). and i try my very hardest not to but the fruit usually don't fall far from the tree. i have his genes. i have him running in me. maybe that's why i can't let go and run away. maybe this is every man's tragedy!

boy i sure am going absurdly far aren't i with this ludicrous and preposterous idea. but hey, i can use this as my usp essay (if i choose to apply to nus again next year).

but diary, i'm thinking of doing the english degree at stansfield. it's by uol. uol is good. but i don't know about the administration at stansfield. i'm just afraid it'll screw up a lot of things. already now i haven't gotten a reply from their marketing team about my fees and financial assitance queries. if they can't be efficient, how will i know the efficacy of my degree? plus, i don't know if the bank can approve the max loan. it's approx $28, 000 (i gauge the fees at unisim) but my dad can loan up to $16, 500; that's $12, 500 short! or should i wait for next year?

anyone there. please reply... o.o"

ps: the other authors whom i adore are margaret atwood and iris murdoch. now paul auster's joining the list. =)

post 21

2009-05-19T08:24:00.002+08:00

uhm...i am not happy with my b'day celebration ytd. well, mainly cause it wasn't a celebration. no cake, present, out with frens. hahak. the supposed big 21 is a big disppointment to me. i wanted more but nothing. mum tried but she's pregnant. i utd. dad is hush hush. siti made a card for me. i thought it was sweet. and zahid wished me at night ( around 8).

the fact that i could remember it all is not a good thing. cause if there had been more activities, i will remember the important ones. those memorable ones. but since i've only got the wish and hush, and that's all i can remember...so it's memorable? (cause it's stuck in my memory.)

no point blogging about this bad thing. maybe sth better coming as i learnt from last friday's congregation: tmr is better than today. all i need is gumption and patience. and oh faith.

ooh...faith...

last friday i attended von's b'day celebration. it was big and partying all happening but i didn't do much cause i don't know the rest of them - when i came only his jc friends were there. i wanted to try the drinks but decided not to. i said to myself, i shouldn't. the next day when i woke up: i realised that the day i have that drink and sleep with a man is the day i forsake my religion. my religion! not god! it felt wrong. i felt worse but helpless. why did i even think of that? religion before god. sish. i'm sure damned. =(

but then again, maybe i thought wrong. after all (on that day) i haven't had sleep for about 28hours. so maybe my brain went bonkers. hahak.

the 21

2009-05-18T15:10:00.002+08:00

hi there. today it's the 21 b'day. my 21. felt pretty emo about it ytd. don't know why. hahak.

so wht now, eh? =)

the if-i-don't-get-to-school plan

2009-05-15T14:32:00.002+08:00

ok so i confess now. i am worried i'm not getting any letter of offers yet. many people have asked (told rather) me to be postive but i say, "what silver lining? u mean the inside of my frog? eew!"

ok that was lame. and lame as i will be.

i have also learnt to not be obsessed with intelligence and wit. instead, look at beauty. that's better and longer lasting. plus i can accept that. =) so long as i keep seeing sth nice, i will be nice - both inside and outside. yay!

so now that i might go to sch this yr, i have learnt to accept that. well, preparing myself; -ly (mentally, socially, psychologically, etc-ly). i can do more FOH and get more money. make new friends. and be happy. see the prettiness of it? =)

learning to accept who i am

2009-05-05T11:06:00.003+08:00

this is my online diary. hence, it's mostly personal stuffs. i guess thatwas why i decided to privatise it and only restrict certain people to read it.

ok. i have to really accept that i have an average iq. not very intelligent but still is to some degree. i am less campy now - i saw a vid of my acting. =) and i have lotsa inhibitions and reservations. and i do contradict what i believe and say sometimes.

this entry is about me being engaged with real social affairs. i gotta know about UNIFEM two days ago. and met with one of their members yesterday, sonja bretscheinder. we briefly spoke and today i joined the UNIFEM facebook group.

i stumbled upon www.findingbibi.com, www.mideastyouth.com, www.freekareem.com. these are good blogs about the thoughts of the arabs. and it's a joy reading on their culture and recent happenings.

but it's quite ironic like how easy it was for me to look for these articles when i'm having the hardest time looking for similar articles about singapore. maybe i am not looking at the right places. uhm...

an excerpt that got me thinking...

"Q: Do you find Islam to be a problem that leads to our societal restrictions?
A: Well, a lot of religious Muslims are decent and understand the importance of living in a free and tolerant society. I know that Islam is not our problem. Politics is our weakness and Islam is just an excuse that many of our governments successfully get away with."

it's true: politics and religion are independent issues that overlaps and intersperse sometimes. more often misunderstood and lazily declined thus accepted. it's thru the deveopment of ideas and wide exposure that help people draw and form their own opinions. these thoughts get published and shared and rephrased in the process of spreading the word. so much that eventually words got displaced, forming new (sometimes radical) ideas. the process repeats.

lost in my thoughts

2009-05-02T06:09:00.002+08:00

i am lost in my thoughts. i am told, severally, that i overthink. and i think i should stop but i don't know how and where to.

and i had a heart 2 heart chat with astri, hana, yana about my sexuality. man i thought i am over this. apparently i'm still puzzled. it all staretd when astri asked: so what is it that you wannabe (sexuality)? and i reluctantly answered cause i was extremely embarrassed to talk about it yet i wanna. see how weird that is?

and i still have to get the part that i have an AVERAGE iq i.e. stop acting as if i'm very smart. i can't hand around smart people cause i can NEVER keep up.

i wannabe smart cause i don't wannabe bullied. i was bullied when i was more naive and pathetically immature. and i hated that big time lah.

i think i'm still looking for 'me'. so meanwhile i'm hanging around.

i know we can tell how intelligent a person is from the way he talks and writes. many think i am from the way i talk. but writing wise - CHECK OUT THE POOR WRITING! it's quite in your face right ruzaini? so, suck it in! be embarrassed and thickened yourself. now that's how it seems like how it should be. so you're gonna go all red. (sigh) what to do.

the more i run, the more tired i'll be. but it'll improve my stamina. bad analogy. but basically...you know what i mean lah.

man. i'm lost in my thoughts.

ps: i think i just overthink again? is it a work in progress? =S

names: what's with them?

2009-04-09T09:57:00.002+08:00

bandit

1. english - robber

2. thailand - teacher

iman

1. islam - one's own faith

2. malay - a name, sharing the same meaning in islam

3. iman - (from a book) "not unless you want a daughter to be a black supermodel that throws handphone(s) at her maid."

so yeah. i think names are important. we need something to call something. but what if they don't quite mean the same thing? ok fine. i have bad examples. but i can't recall any now. i know of some more! just cannot recall. shit right? hahak.

so what name should we give my new kid sister? =S

random conversation with utter randonmess

2009-04-06T15:33:00.004+08:00

heard of this omegle shit? here's what happened when you talk to random stranger:

You: lo

You: hahak

Stranger: 23

You: 21

You: m/f?

Stranger: 23

You: 15

You: 18

Stranger: 23

You: love u already!

Stranger: 23

You: mwah!

Stranger: 23

You: 17

Stranger: 23\

You: 23

Stranger: fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

You: love u

Stranger: you too babe

Stranger: but

You: butt?

Stranger: I want you to love me like you used to.

You: u didnt gimme a chance too

You: 2nd chance?

Stranger: I quit drinking.

You: smoking?

Stranger: I quit.

You: sleeping around?

Stranger: I can quit.

You: until u do

You: i still love u

You: love me too/

Stranger: ಥ_ಥ

Stranger: I love you

You: aww

You: i know

You: i miss u darling

Stranger: i miss you too

You: any chance? i'm ready to forgive u

You: i really miss u much

Stranger: lets do this

You: but what u did...it's...

You: =(

You: u sure?

Stranger: Yes

You: ok

Stranger: i swear

You: on me?

Stranger: i swear on my dead mother's grave

Stranger: and on my other one's heart.

You: i believe u

You: we can do this

Stranger: i believe you do

Stranger: yes we can

You: good things are best shared

You: should we bring in more?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: because

Stranger: ZALGO COMES!

You: yes!

Stranger: WAT

You: any more honey?

Stranger: as long as balls aren't touching

You: two of us is...not enough

Stranger: bring in some of your friends

You: i will

Stranger: likke that one that does the thing

You: bring some of yours too

You: i will

Stranger: by the way

Stranger: the game

*you=me, stranger=stranger.

phuking cool ain't it?

and another: look at how i started and how it all went along...

You: hey

You: =)

Stranger: yo

You: yoyo u!

You: u are fabulous

Stranger: what up?

You: i know it!

You: i think i should take cocaine.

You: u reckon?

You: hahak

You: u from?

You: u're a fan of coldplay?

You: i know u are

You: heehee

You: madonna too right?

You: of course!

Stranger: theyre a good bad, but eh

You: i'm rambling

You: bad habit

You: =)

Stranger: s'all good where you at?

You: singapore man

You: urself?

Stranger: unites states

You: coolness

You: which part?

Stranger: right now im in vegas

Stranger: leaving soon

You: fantastic

You: where to next?

Stranger: san jose

You: not singpore?

You: been here b4?

You: u travel a lot huh

You: good for u

You: i think it's healthy

You: opens up the mind

Stranger: yes i have

You: and eyes

You: u like it here?

Stranger: im in a band. we tour a lot

Stranger: i did like it, yea

You: name?

You: u coming for the world wide festival in singapore?

Stranger: gabe

Stranger: the band is cobra starship

You: awesome name!

You: woot woot!

Stranger: not that i know about, dude.

You: yeah...

You: google it

Stranger: did you go to singfest back in 07?

You: googling is a verb now

You: nope

You: had sth on the entire week

You: fucking hate myself for missing it

You: u came?

Stranger: ahh we played there

You: awesome!

You: any plans coming again?

You: i might catch u again>

Stranger: not sure when but id say we'd def go back there

You: fab man

You: sure wanna hear u guys play

You: any myspace account?

Stranger: myspace.com/cobrastarship

You: i'll check it out

You: what kind of music u guys play?

Stranger: like nothing youve heard before ;)

You: most original answer

You: u have my support there

You: hahak

You: what do u play?

You: or sing?

Stranger: i sing

Stranger: and i can play bass guitar

Stranger: i shake my ass

You: u betcha

You: good music

You: ok. confession. i'm new to non-mainstream bands

Stranger: nothin wrong with that

You: been the usual geek for ages

You: only recently tryin to listen to others

You: how's the response been?

You: guess it's hot

You: taking a break now?

Stranger: its not so bad

You: =)

Stranger: we're actually on tour right now with fall out boy

You: oh. big!

You: sure to look out for u guys

You: any mv?

Stranger: awesome

Stranger: anywhat ?

You: music vids

You: well bands boys have their own way of dealing with stress. don't mind me asking, how do u handle yours?

Stranger: oh yeah dude,. check youtube

Stranger: i drink a lot

You: that's one way

You: well rambling me = bored me

You: on that note. who doesnt?

You: lol

You: well i speak as if i know u

You: but omegle does it a lot

You: so...don't wanna blame myself

You: it's the virtuality

You: and u might be going who teh fuck is this guy?

Stranger: haa yep, sorry dude, but i gotta go. the bus is rollin

You: bye man

You: best wishes!

You: rock on!

You: send my regards to your badnmates

Stranger: thanks bro

You: =)

Stranger: will do. its one of their birthdays today

Stranger: see ya

phuking shit. good shit yall!

regrets, amongst others

2009-03-31T09:57:00.002+08:00

i have a few regrets.

one. i wish i had been a sportsman. or athletic.

two. or a gymnast. there's gymnastics in my pri school.

three. insist on my parents sending me to dance classes. throw tantrums when they refuse. afterall, i am charming. =)

four. studied very much harder tho i know i'm not that smart. i could've made it to a better school.

five. stop being...ok maybe it's impossible. say, less? yeah. less pessimistic.

oh. i like lily allen. she's so spunky and original. some may find her offensive but i think it's they're not comfortable with her style yet.

i have to start finish reading the book i started. i need to do more of this.

be wiser.

i think i wanna take e lang and european studies at nus, assuming of course i get in.

can't wait to be in the rat race! kinda scared of it actually. but hey i gotta grow up!

this is what i think about...

2009-03-26T17:01:00.002+08:00

we have been caught in this rat race so much so we forget how to slow down. always rushing for time and getting that information first before everyone else. the winner gets the prize.

what are we pursuing for? a faster death? letting our heart beats faster and closer to its limit? what for?

yet i cannot but be consumed as well. and i really wanna get out. or not be influenced. but can i?

and legalising organ donor...i need to read more about this so i can understand what's happening.

and now i know that muslims have been used for many things, namely pawns. why do we let ourselves get bullied. and those middle eatern politicians, do you know how fickle they are? they keep changing their deal everytime a negotiation is over. it's no wonder the conflicts are taking the longest time to resolve. and i think...could it be because of what happened to their forefathers? those who fought for the western's and european powers's success and empire to grow at the expense of their lives. i am actually quite mad at this.

but relax ruzaini. don't turn into an extremists yourself.

and...

i know what i want in my life. but why is it that what i've been doing don't seem to bring me closer to it. did i do it right? or did i do the right thing?

oh well. time. period. =)

a say in some things

2009-03-24T10:30:00.002+08:00

ok. i've got a lot to write actually. and i gotta do this quick as i'm writing in camp (gulps).

one. wth is tobias thinking? like since when are we bffs? haiks.

two. i don't know what to do with my life. it's got lotsa stuffs happening sometimes. other times, none! i find it quite extreme. when can i have balance? like right amount of balance.

and what's this new 'S' Factor show about? here's what i think: slutty, sleazy stupid singaporeans. man. why do these girls put themselves out to be like that one. i'm sure they've got more dignity. i'm begging them to stop. =S

what else...

oh this new book: on secret service of constantinople, the plot to bring down the british empire by peter hopkirk. somehow i cannot but think the middle eastern conflict got something to do with this. the holy war. wilhem's espionage to monopolise the middle eastern area for economic reasons, so as not to appear inferior to the british and russians. and him "converting" to islam to get the muslims's help, and not seem like the christians fighting among themselves. long story. i think reading the book will help explain.

man i didn't know history is this interesting. hahak. should i consider...uhm...hahak.

now that i'm going to ord...i'm not liking it! funny eh. simple: i'll be broke (more accurately, penniless). oh no. .

and yep sarah. talking about history makes do make us more refined! but more importantly, i think we should know what happened in history so we can make sense of what's hapening now. at least we won't be accusing the wrong person and be paisey. =)

ok shit got some more to say..wait got a wee bit of distraction...

crap i forgot. haiks. nevermind then. =)

Kinda Big

2009-03-19T10:52:00.002+08:00

i think i've grown a wee bit in size. and it's quite uncomfortable.

but many say i look more human now (less skeletal). really meh? guess so lor. they see and say what.

hahak. funny me.

Yotoyototakamama!

2009-03-17T13:21:00.003+08:00

Maybe i should write something now...it has been quite a long while and i do miss blogging.

why? uhm...i don't know cause it's about writing? and i like to write? maybe i'm like sarah. nah. we're different. unique in our own ways.

but i write like (shit!) what's the word...? haiya whatever la. let's do the normal thing.

i'm going to ord soon! one month. don't know how to feel. good i guess. honestly, it feels like nothing. just another thing. haiks.

so i don't quite get the enthusiasm about ord-ing. if there's anything, i think i don't want to ord. cause that would mean i'll be broke before school starts. i'm sure anyone knows how it feels to be broke, and broken. haiks.

i should sigh less. =)

i like the new song by enrique feat ciara: takin' back my love. cool music! so danceable.

talk about dancing, man how i really wanna dance! like dance!

but i've to go for classes. which mean i've to pay. that's not good. blurgh. =( so what can i do?

make my own dance studio from my small room! hahak. silly but ok what. can still move.

oh i know why i haven't been blogging lots. hahak. cause i've done more facebooking.

you know ruzaini, it feels kinda weird talkng (and/or writing and/or conversing) with yourself. like idiot and pathetic guy with no friends. hahak. sad. not too bad actually. =)

cheer up mate. good things will happen. they always do. just...need more patience only. =)

anything else to write?

i need a new desktop/laptop and pick up from where i left. can't say it's a comeback (gees, what a word to use!) since i've never been away. (maybe a break) but now i'm coming back. =)

An update

2009-03-11T10:08:00.000+08:00

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

from: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Fear me, yes I do

2008-09-29T21:27:00.007+08:00

Can you blame a boy for being scared? Or should you teach him to use a knife and defend himself? What is with a man and his ego?

Fear is synonymous with desperation, the desperation of wanting to live and not be threatened. To have a fence around one's self and warn off any intruders. Yet in the effort of keeping ourselves safe, there is another impetus driving us away from this fence. And so the circle of one's barrier gradually expands, and we don't care if it eats into another person's space. We simply want to have a space that can shelter the fragile and vulnerable heart. It is, at heart, the issue of one's security. Had one been more secure of the dangers lying around, there isn't a need to cover up; the trap is well recognised.

But to get trapped in someone else's skin defeats the purpose of going out and facing life - the playground. But not just any playground. It's a place for the strong-willed and bold-minded. If the outer layer of one's self is strong enough, there wouldn't be a need to have another barricade of fences; fence them with one's own weak and feeble heart. Only then can we learn, and know what to learn. For learning itself is not enough. It's more important to know what to learn, and learn to know.

So let the fear inside come out and play with the dangers from the outside world. Let them mix around and get to know eah other. Perhaps then can we recognise who's the enemy and who's the friend. Though in such a joyous and playful time, who can tell the difference between the two?

I think a man is more afraid than a woman. He has got more balls to play with, and juggling them all isn't easy. Look at the women, and what they have to carry. What the men have are peanuts compared to theirs.

I think that's why men gave women the "easier" tasks to do: raise children, give children, wash the dishes, and other household chores while they go out and provide the bread and butter (only bread and butter?). They are afraid of losing. Let's face it: how different can a woman be from a man?

She has got more (than just the bread and butter to worry about). And more power to control the men. And when they use this natural ability of theirs, men who fell prey by such beauty and charm call them femme-fatales: the bringer of death. It is, in my opinion, a form of fence to fence off insults from the masculine counterparts. One which has the potential to threaten their bond of homosocialship. It is stemmed from a fear of being overthrown. So, to put up their status they have to bring the other one down. "Put up" cannot be more apt; for it speaks of the front, a facade, to have on. Having the best face forward and surging in-front, leading the packs behind, like a hero, a saviour. It can also be said to be an "act".

Nothing shines better than the damask of dismasked truth.

Pointing fingers

2008-09-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

I don't know who should I blame: myself or you? On one hand it looks like a cowardice act, and the other it seems quite noble(?). However I choose none is actually better than the other. Both will end up losing.

Could it be that I am being less understanding or are you being more liberal? Sorry, I cannot say such things especially when it is yours. The choice is yours to make. I have my own to worry.

It is not that I am distrusting you. It's like I think I am losing something here. Perhaps it's my insecurities, hence my problem. But isn't mine also yours when we've got this to share? Or is this one of those things that we have to split the responsibilities? Is it "a responsibility"?

I reckon it is so. But, since you are also involved in this I let you make the decison too. The final say shall be (to use a popular word these days) democratically agreed on. It is not that hard to do, right?

Anyhow, I think it is not even an issue to begin with but a problem I have chosen to overrate. Quite obviously, the problem lies in me. Hahak...

Pointing fingers.

Let me get over it. But such relapses are hard to get over and done with, you agree?

Well then, I guess I just have to live with it. How is telling you going to change anything?

Love ya'll

What happened yesterday

2008-08-31T09:08:00.003+08:00

I have nothing much to say. It has been quite fine this week. Yesterday I had stomach flu (I think) or gastritis. I went through rehearsals with a painful stomach and endured for a little longer for dinner with some of the Young Co. members. I couldn't eat so I had Ice Mocha. Luckily (uhm...uhm...uhm), Gillian could not finish her mushroom soup so she gave it me. So, in the end I did eat dinner.

And I thought the pain would go away. Instead it became worse! I was practically wriggling in bed before deciding to pop two pills of antacid and 500ml of water and then head to bed. Oh yes, I had ointment applied on the stomach as well. I don't know if it would work but I pray hard it will.

This morning, I woke up feeling better at first then the pain came back. So while typing this, I am enduring a bad stomachache. Aww...

Anyhow, yesterday we had a full-run through of Love's labour's Lost; the first time since a month ago. Last time we could see the shape of the play, now we're getting the sense of the play. Isn't that good? We're bringing Shakespearean english and making it understandable to today's audience. It's a good thing. And I must thank our camaraderie for making it possible.

Oh yes, before the run through one of our cast members asked for permission if he can read a prayer to us all. I thought that was quite dramatic enough but said nothing. But what he has to say was more!

I cannot remember word for word what he said because I was trying my hardest not to laugh. But here are some of the phrases that caught my ears: "god bless our soul, our friends, our family and our spirits...", "this is a very important and last night for us all (for goodness sake it was 2pm in the afternoon and only a full-run through!)..." and "god please protect us all and bless our souls" (LOL).

After the run through nine of us went to watch the gala premiere of the Write Stuff - a national script-writing competition for those below 12-years-old. I didn't want to expect anything; sometimes it's better to be shocked or surprised. Man was I both shocked and surprised! They were really good and very creative. Who would have thought you can spoof Goldilocks, The Three Little Pigs and and Nanny Mcphee into out-of-this-world original stories!

The second runner-up retold the story of Goldilocks as a selfish little girl who only had one rule for friends: "Don't touch my toys!" Joined by her friends - the hip-hop Red Riding Hood and French Puss in Boots - who taught Goldilocks a lesson about her character, I was entertained by the creativity of this 12-year-old. It was good to watch.

The second place play told the story of one of the pigs (from The Three Little Pigs) who became best friend with the wolf and how they struggled through hardships together. Pressured by his dead grandfather - who came back in spirit - and growing hunger, the wolf began to have entertaining thoughts of eating his own best friend! Yeah, typical so I won't go on anymore. The idea was cute.

The first prize went to this UWC girl. Her story was about this aunt who was put in-charge of looking after her nephew, whom she calls Dorothy, and niece, whom she calls Geraldine, while their parents were away. Their real names are Andy and Anne. Like Nanny Mcphee, she was a living hell of a babysitter but she's not magical, just eccentric. The story took a turn when the children decided to chase her away by playing loud music, since she has an aversion for loud noise. So they decided to "party" to loud music at home, thinking it will drive their aunt out of the house. However, little did they know of her excitement for dancing and music. So, annoyed by their horrible dance moves she decided to teach them a lesson - in dance! And that was how the story turned to a happy ending. Yeah I know: boring review. But I am too excited that I cannot think properly. It's not my fault I'm made this way.

I am surprised by their talents, even now. Who would have expected such beautiful stories written by twelve year olds? I feel like a cuckoo... Hahahak.

That's all I have.

Love ya'll

Prepairing

2008-08-24T20:22:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you just cannot rely on others too much. You only have yourself to depend on, regardless of how close your friendship is. At the heart of it lies two different and distinct individuals. It is not one, but two.

There will be guilt for the negligence, that's irrevocable and unavoidable. Yet it should not be forgotten that each one has his / her own stand. It is the rights one has as an individual living among this huge and intricate society. It is one's own fundamental rights.

I am not implicating anyone. If I have to pacify somebody, let me then say this: I am not being diplomatic neither am I being dogmatic. It is a universal de facto.

And to hurt someone is also within a person's rights. S/he can either be doing it intentionally or otherwise but it doesn't change the fact: someone has to get hurt and somebody needs to hurt.

Perhaps it is this commonality that relates us to one another. We share certain similarities, albeit the difference in experience, and exist in a realm of higher order. Sigmund Freud calls it collective unconscious. I choose to call it Death.

We are all going die one day. But not all of us are scared of it. Yet we anticipate it. It is real. And it is going to happen.

We will all be funnelled into the same space. Death brings us there. It is the thread that runs through us all.

And then it comes to a full-circle: you become alone once more.

Next time when I feel like I have nobody to talk to, I'll be grateful. It's preparing me for what is to come.

Love ya'll

Say what you want

2008-08-17T19:46:00.005+08:00

It's not very hard to talk is it? Just say something and wait for a reply. In my opinion, so long as you speak, you will get a reply (though it may take a while sometimes).

And to say something, to express yourself verbally is as good as extending yourself to another person - to make a bridge in the gap, a connection to the other person or something of that sort. But be mindful of what you say. We may be living in the new world - a world of freedom of expression - but what is said will have an effect on another person.

I talk to Kent about this quite often, about telling of the person just by the way they talk. I am not a professional but have you noticed how much you can tell of a person just by the way they talk? It speaks volume doesn't it?

Yet it is improper to quickly, and hastily, make a judgement. I am guilty and I seek yours too. If there's anything we can do just by listening to them speak is to get in the same "frequency" or "wavelength" i.e. get in sync with their style. That is one of the best way to communicate to others.

I realised this also because I am studying shakespeare for an upcoming production; yes I'm gonnabe in Young Co.'s Love's Labour's Lost (by William Shakespeare) that will run from 10th to 14th Sept 2008. Tickets can be bought through Sistics. They cost $25, and $12 (students only).

Sue, my director, told me once that to study a shakespearean play (to better understand and perform the plays) is to read his lines properly; to peruse it with care. We have to be wary of all the punctuations, the verse, the vowels and consonants for they are our only guidance to understanding the play, first, then the sense of what we're saying. Essentially, we have to pay very close attention to the language. And never have I seen language being so highly praised like a reverend sport. I was simply humbled by the experience. It was overwhelming.

And to speak shakespeare is to have control of our breaths and organs of articulation. It truly is wonderful isn't it? How many people take care of the way they breathe and make the effort to pronounce the words properly i.e. without cutting corners? And the syllabus...man they are important too. They tell of which part of the word to stress on and which don't.

Try making the effort to say those words. They will sound more beautiful.

Love ya'll

Two good songs

2008-08-10T17:20:00.003+08:00

Song For A Friend- Jason Mraz

Well you're magic he said
But don't let it all go to your head
'Cause I bet if you all had it all figured out
Then you’d never get out of bed
Well no doubt
Of all the things that I’ve read what he wrote me
Is now sounding like the man I was hoping to be
Keep on keeping it real
'Cause it keeps getting easier he'll see
He’s the reason that I’m laughing
Even if there’s no one else
He said, you’ve got to love yourself

He said you shouldn’t mumble when you speak
But keep your tongue up in your cheek
And if you stumble onto something
Better remember that it’s humble that you seek
And you’ve got all the skill you need
Individuality
You’ve got something
Call it gumption
Call it anything you want
Because when you play the fool now
You’re only fooling everyone else
You’re learning to love yourself.

yes you are
you are
yes you, you

There’s no price to pay
When you give and what you take.
That’s why it’s easy to thank you.
You, you, you, you, you

Let’s say take a break from our day and get back to the old garage.
Becuase life’s too short anyway but at least it’s better than average.
As long as you got me and I got you
You know we've got a lot to go around
I’ll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you.
And I’ll keep reminding
If it’s the only thing I ever do
I will always love you
You, you, you
You

It's true I love it's true
It's you I love, it's you I love, It's you, It's you I love
It's true I love, it's true I love
It's you I love
It's you I love, it's you I love, it's you I love
I love you I do

oh and it's you I love

It's you I love, it's you I love, it's you, it's you I love
It's true I love, it's true I love, it's true, it's you I love
I's you I love, it's you I love, it's you, it's you I love

And I love I love I love
And I love I love I love
It's you I love
It's true
See my love my love my love
You see my love my love my love
It's you my love my love my love oh

(Jason + chorus)
Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control
And inevitably wind up
Finding for yourself
All the strengths you have inside still rising
(x3)

(Jason)
Climb up over the top
Survey the state of the soul
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control and inevitably wind up
Findingfor yourself all the strengths you have inside of you

Life is Wonderful -Jason Mraz

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

La la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Al la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life is meaningful
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la

This is one of those times when I let the songs do the talking...

Love ya'll

I got scared

2008-07-20T16:02:00.003+08:00

I have been thinking about...things.

Maybe I should push it back to a couple more years later. It was simply too scary.

But it doesn't mean it'll not come; just got delayed for awhile.

Though it does mean that nothing is how it's appearing to be. A smile, a laughter, a giggle and a jolly load of time doesn't mean I've been happy.

It is something everyone does to make a mockery of others. I for one am a good mocker. Not many people can see through the disguised and not many more care. There are a lot more who are oblivious to both.

I like to escape the gripping bareness of my life. It's brought nothing more than a mere existence of this set on stage; much like a prop - important but un-lasting. When the play is over (note: not ended), the stage is strike. Leaving the bare and coldness of space to take over once more.

That is how it has been - in episodes. The last few ones are coming, drawing a close to the story. And like any book that's being read finished, it's closed then shelved.

I know I am not alone in this. There are million others in this world who are going through the exact same thing as I am. But that's them, and this is me. That's the essential difference. That's the only essential difference.

Still, if you refuse to accept the above then think of it as another Holocaust. Easy to draw the similarities? Thank you.

I am an entertainer. I entertain and bring joy to others. But sad to say the same cannot be for me. An entertainer cannot entertain himself. It is his duty "to not do unto others what ether's do unto you."

There were depressing moments before but they've not lasted this long. This has been longer than a moment.

Of course it doesn't mean I've not been happy before. I have, I think. I just couldn't remember how it feels like to.

Remember my "tired" face? It's not exhaustion perse. Well, maybe it is. But it's more of a tired of living kinda thing. So I think I'm going to retire to bed again. I don't know why but I've been very tired lately. All I want to do is sleep.

Till next time. Good day.

Farewell

Why can't I see what others can?

2008-07-04T22:23:00.005+08:00

From Jason Mraz - The Beauty in Ugly

She’s so big hearted
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we’re made to think
It’s a pretty person’s world

But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don’t believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly

Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
Don’t forget you’re one of a kind
When nobody’s checking the deeds you’ve done
And nobody’s hearing your cries
You make all the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind

And if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly

It's true what they say...you are what you believe yourself to be. But...that belief has got to come from somewhere, hasn't it? Question is: where from?

I have no bearing to look at or clues to go on, how do I cope with myself? All these changes and everything...I've been taking them in and spilling them out in ways too stupid or dramatic to look at. I, myself, for one am not sure of my own doing. It's too erroneous and erratic; an impudent wench's doing. It can aptly say I've derailed.

Haha. It's true, it's true...I am no longer walking on proper grounds, I feel, or looking into the mirror for my reflection to see who's looking back at me. I don't want to know who it is and I don't think I would like to. I'd rather keep reeling in the real life. The essence of my living is gone and what's left are just...debris. What have I got to look back for? There's nothing but just dirt.

It is gone and I feel empty and forsaken but I still have to move on, dragging through for a couple more years or so before it all comes to a halt. A standstill. A freeze.

Well I find things are becoming more alien and unheimlich that I don't seem to recognise any. It's like I've become a stone, rock-solid and just sitting there, observing the scenes passing by. I know that I have a lot to live for but when the time comes, I just have to stop it all. Stop all the moving images and buzzing sounds, and sweet smell of stench air and velvet razors cutting through...everything I guess. Just, switch off the lights and go to sleep.

Catholics believe there's such a place called Purgatory. Muslims too, just that they don't call it such; I don't know what it's called. And so do Christians and Hindus and Buddhists and Pagan worshippers. And other agnostics. Funny how similar yet different some things like religion and faith are. I like to think religion as a rubic cube, just give it a few turns and voila! you've got one cube nicely colour-coordinated.

I'm not an atheist. I'm a Muslim. Not a pious muslim, just a decent one. I believe He will never forsake those who have faith in Him. But as for me who's living precariously by the edges, I feel like I'm living in the out-skirts of Life. So I don't know when I'm going to fall. My only worry is whether I will drop straight to Purgatory or Hades. Still, until then you will see me hanging by Hope and Faith. Maybe that's why I feel wishy-washy like in a washing machine. I am holding onto the thread instead of gripping a rope. Well I'm slipping anyway. It's only a matter of time before I let go.

But before I do - as I will not be able to come back and apologise (kakakakaka) - please forgive me for any wrong that I have done to you or any harm whatsoever. With regards to the money I still owe you, don't worry, rest assured I'll pay them before I go (I understand you need money to live). Uhm...what else? Just help me pass my goodbyes to those I didn't have the chance to, ok? Thank you.

Love ya'll

Pooper

2008-07-01T21:56:00.002+08:00

I know this is very sudden but...

Two things.

1. I wanna work in the PR line.

2. I hope the SAF Day celebration just now had been more professional looking and better orchestrated. Only the parade SM, warrant juma'at, did an excellent job. The rest of us have to learn from him.

Love ya'll

...Gideous...

2008-06-19T14:10:00.006+08:00

How do we analyse language? There are a few actually. Read a book. Talk to Someone. Or come up with your own hypothesis. Universally, we use a textbook written by linguists or psychologists to understand spoken, written, sign or body language as reference. For me, I refer to books like How Language Works by David Crystal.

From reading his book I learnt that lexemes form the basis of language, not words; words are simply arbitrary constants, they have no meaning on their own. It is through understanding what it's meant to represent then would the word have a 'meaning'. And we get this from the study of semantics - the study of word meaning. After which we come to study the sentence to get 'the sense' of what something mean or is being referred to. This is where discourse and pragmatics come into the picture. Discourse is the phrases/clauses where the 'meaning' of the sentence lie - expressed in either active or passive form - and pragmatics is the study of how the language varies according to the social context. Thus, affecting the general rule i.e. grammar. And through all these we get speech acts, or better known as conversation (as a mean as communicating).

I finally know what's my problem: everything! I don't know what to do or where to go with what is there for me to use. I am bad at choosing and deciding. So that's how I ended up as sounding 'clumsy'.

That aside, I don't know what to study later at university. I still don't know what's best for me. More time? Is it necessary?

But I learn one thing though: not to get too close to someone too quickly.

The following lines are from Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Sir Walter: Why do you speak like a fool when you are anything but a fool?

Elizabeth: A fool? Yes, I am a vain and foolish woman.

The following is taken from King Lear(2.4.62-78):

Fool: We'll set thee to school to an ant, to teach thee there's no labouring i'th'winter. All that follow by the noses are led by their eyes but blind men, and there's not a nose among twenty but can smell him that's stinking. Let go thy hold when a great wheel runs down a hill, lest it break thy neck with the following. But the great one that goes upward, let him draw thee after. When a wise man gives thee better counsel, give me mine again; I would have none knaves follow it, since a fool gives it.

That sir which serves and seeks for gain
And follows but for form,
Will pack it when it begins to rain
And leave thee in the storm.
But I will tarry, the fool will stay,
And let the wise man fly;
The knave turns fool that runs away,
The fool know knave, perdy.

Sometimes it's better to be the fool, then to fool one's self; it's more virtuous.

Love ya'll

When a man airs his laundry

2008-06-13T20:09:00.000+08:00

Like this would ever happen. He cannot even do his own laundry let alone air them. He's only good at taking them off and chucking them aside. Come on guys, let them know what you've been doing behind the doors...

Haiya. Whatever for. It's no secret anyway. I don't need statistics to tell me. Lancome Man, Chanel Man, L'oreal Men, Biotherm Men series, Clinique for Men, Clarins Men...they are quite loud you know.

That exposed, I am happier. It's a good evolution for us men. Show to tell, instead of show and tell. Story-telling do get old sometimes.

But I do need guidance and help on one thing: being a good modern man. Are you one? If you aren't, watch this: http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-be-the-perfect-boyfriend

(I poach from Su's blog without her knowing. Hehe) How I hope I can find one that fits the profile.

Don't you just love the Modern Man? They are simply more sexy and irresistible. Lol.

And being part-man (other part, boy), I finally learn to see and look, hear and listen, speak and talk, and be infantile-ly adult. Goodness help.

Deputy-secretary-general of the Rudzy's administration has. Design is expression, fashion is a statement, and style is personality. Influence influence Influence. Unjustifiable E-cupless but still fantabulous diva extraordinaire utters logic and runs away. Incongruity takes him apart. Danger plays with his toes. Tapping fingers to silence. Depression-therapy. Sees the dark and walks towards the man awaiting his coming. Sexing and petting. Religious controversy. Headlining. Awaiting patience, seeping silence. Gorgeous gown, white palate. Dull rainbow and colourful grey to fill the Life bottle. None other but yours truly. No more keeping but people waiting. Destructuring conventions. Appalling grammar. Breaking free. Tieing restraint. Break the ice. Kaput-ing. Sent for rehab. Hungry for love.

Love ya'll

I want a differing view

2008-06-06T19:36:00.001+08:00

I want to be free like a bird...

Doesn't he see what he has?
For what good it brings and stories to tell
Goodness, no!

Did he ask why?
Forbid to speak
Thus, no!

Isn't he the slightest bit curious?
By the garden of Edens
Of course!

Why then does he keep quiet?
For the better good
It's better!

"For the better" by whose standards?
Well by the universe
Yes!

Hasn't he thought of it as foolish?
Better than to err
Yes!

Who does he fear?
By the name that says it all
Him!

What does he wish to be?
A bird!

Why a bird?
As the sun dawns on the land beyond
The vast space has he!
With nothing holding him down
He roams free!

Think again.

Think again?

Think again.

What's there to?

Has he a vast space to fly?
Is there really nothing holding him down?
Is he truly free?

A bickering pause as mountains move, valleys part, volcanoes explode and winds blow their strongest yet.

That is why he chose not to ask.
Even if curiosity brims, greater is the power of the mind.
Even to limit a limit, to space the space in between, to question a question, to answer an answer
There is, and forever will be, a greater greater.

Words will carry no meaning.
Time will have no purpose.
And Art has lost its culture.

Everything is gone.
Nothing will stay.
What's left?

A pause. A strong ray of blinding light seeps in between, shadowing what's in its way.

The nose can smell no more.
The ears can hear no more.
The eyes can see no more.
The mouth can speak no more.
The mind can touch no more.

A pause. The strong ray of light scissors what's left, even the finest.

I stand alone at the gates of choice. With me are my pain, sorrow and happiness, the three close friends that I never leave behind. I am not sure what to do next, or what to happen. But this I know for sure: when that gates open, I'll...

Love ya'll

Hindsight

2008-06-01T10:28:00.004+08:00

Had it been easier, it'll not be called Life...

If only I could tell you for real how it is. If only I could explain and make it less complicated. If only you'd finally accept. My life will be happier and guilt-free. Has it been this hard for some people? Why do I question this kinda things? It's quite clear there is no way around it. Maybe there is...but...nah, I don't think you'll do it. But then again some things aren't predictable. I'm becoming stupid. It's no wonder I get corrected most of the time. Ruzaini, help yourself! Well if it suddenly works out, what happens next? Wouldn't it very awkward? Turns out, we'll drift apart even further and faster. Like the story from the book The Glass Cathedral. Then, I'll learn my lesson. No! No! No! I can't bear that. I'll plunge to manic depression and die. How's that for living Life? But I would love to be with you. But it just can't. Unless you change (which will not happen). I need to move on. But it's so hard. Yet I have to. Would getting a surrogate or substitute be good? Yeah...it sounds like a good idea. Now where can I get one? No where, duh! Help! What's the use, no one is going to hear anyway less listen. I can say all I want but no one would talk. I can't move. Gosh...I need to move! Why am I stuck in this place. I know why, cause I'm fat hence high inertia. Don't give me thoughts. But oh please do. It feels so good to feel them. Is this love? But how can a good feeling be mixed with a horrible sensation at the same time? The juxtaposition is just wrong yet it's quite uncanny. Can I marry the two? Now that's a recipe for disaster! But everything has to be in balance for it to work, right? So that would mean it's good for both the good feeling and horrible sensation to coexist (man that sounds very animal but, errgh, whatever)...really? Nope. Some things can exist in balance but this kinda things, especially when at the centre of it you have the heart, mixing the two will not work. It'll be a conflict of interest and soon, I'll self-destruct. But it's better to self-destruct now especially when I'm feeling like crap. I've nothing to gain but everything to lose. Might as well lose everything at one go and atone. Atone? Was it a sin to love? Yes. Especially when it's the wrong person. It's a carnal sin, the eighth. But I've never lust over - . Don't lie. Oh okay, sometimes but it's to a harmless degree (aka with the top off). Whatever. You are greedy for wanting all to yourself. It's not greed! You're right, it's selfish. It's...What? Nothing. So how now? I don't know...I'm not happy because I'm guilty.

I hate myself for falling.

Love ya'll

Bursting Bubbles

2008-05-29T22:40:00.000+08:00

I have a space. You have a space. We have our spaces, our little cute bubble around us. But mine has burst. I am now bubbleless. I am not as bubbled as before. I am no longer bubbly.

But you still have yours. I can see it. You may not be able to see it but I can. It is a gift I have. I am gifted to see your bubble, and you're bubbly.

The bubbles in my eyes have burst. And water is now streaming down. I am telling myself, "Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts." But the water keep streaming down. Why?

I am smiling to keep the bubbles together. I am smiling to keep myself bubbly. But the bubbles burst still. And water is streaming down. Why?

Today was not a good day. I tell myself that tomorrow is better than today. But today is tomorrow. And tomorrow is yesterday. And yesterday is today. And yesterday was not a good day. So what is today?

Tell me how you'd like to live and I'll be happy. Tell me not and I'll keep smiling. Tell me so, I'll keep it a secret. Tell me now, I'll ...

I've yet to know where I am/have to go.

Love ya'll

Writing like a Malay

2008-05-25T00:37:00.007+08:00

It just "come to"/"dawn on" me that I write like a Malay. Yeah this is gonnabe a controversial entry but still politically safe. I am a Malay and I'm writing about my own race which effectively means I'm writing about myself.

But before you jump on the wagon let me clarify something. By writing like a Malay I mean the style I use to write my entries, or anything for that matter, is similar to how it would have been written in Malay. The lexical differences does not vary much (awkward expression). I cannot explain it well because firstly I am only an aspired linguist and secondly, it is difficult for me to express in words. But nevertheless I am going to try.

It is very technical. The way somebody writes is influenced by "the way the person is exposed to language"/"how much exposure the person gets" (this is just my view, it may not be true). So the more exposed the person is the better he/she gets. For me I grew up in a Malay household so Malay "is the first language I'm exposed to"/"is my mother tongue". Naturally, I "am"/"will be" better "at"/"in" Malay than "at"/"in" English. So when I have to write in English, I will have Malay influence (awkward expression). It is like, to put in layman term, Malay is the backbone for all the language I am going to learn; explains why I have a Malay accent when I converse in English (super awkward expression). But that was a long time ago. I no longer talk with a Malay accent but still writes with one.

That's why I am frustrated "at"/"with" myself whenever I cannot express myself well in English. It's because "I'm thinking in Malay still"/"I'll be thinking in Malay", though not consciously (needed?). It's like when I have to write something I'll be thinking this is how it is "written"/"going to sound" in Malay, how do I change it to English?

The problem "comes in when I have to choose the words"/"lies in choosing the words" and put("ting") them in a sentence. Even coming up with a sentence is difficult for me because it's heavily influenced by Malay which is wrong. How can two languages collage together in writing? It's a crime! For example I don't know when to use the word "talk"/"speak"/"say" in a sentence or which words should come first "so that it"/"for it to" sounds nice like: "I finally know now...."/"I now finally know..."/"Now, I finally know...." As you can see, using different words and expressing them differently gives different meanings. And if I am not careful, I might "send out the wrong meaning"/"send the wrong meaning out".

And that is the problem I have with spoken and written language. I am not good "with"/"at" them. I am clumsy with words and my expressions are awkward. It is very embarrassing to "still be making such mistakes at this age"/"to be making such mistakes still".

In the end, I subconsciously tune in to the frequency that I am better at: Malay (super awkward expression). And use it as a reference "although I know better"/"despite knowing better" that I shouldn't have and that I can't. But you see, we always go back to what we are familiar with and more comfortable in when in doubt or lost. And that is what I "keep"/"been" doing. I'm stressed.

Love ya'll

PS: Note that if I use one of the two expressions I wrote, it'll sound very Malay.

PPS: I wanna kick this habit but I can't seem to. I'm terribly stressed by this.

PPPS: Sorry if I have annoyed you. It's annoying me.

2008-05-22T19:42:00.004+08:00

I'm fucking mad.

Angry. and

Disappointed

at myself! I'm so

Angry

I don't know what to do or say!

Errgh! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

I'm so pent up and frustrated! Ah!

I'm so fessed up I don't wish to talk to anyone. Because I know that it won't be nice. I'm in the firing mood right now.

SHUT THE FUCK UP RUZAINI!

DON'T THINK.

STOP THINKING!

AND DON'T TALK YOU BITCH!

JUST DON'T! OK!

OK!

ENOUGH ALREADY! ENOUGH!

ENOUGH HURTING OTHER PEOPLE!

STOP IT! ENOUGH!

ENOUGH! IT'S GOTTA STOP!

STOP THINKING!

DON'T THINK! IT'S FUCKING RUDE!

DON'T THINK! STOP THINKING!

AND LOOK AROUND...JUST LOOK!

LOOK AND BE AWARE!

OPEN YOU EYES AND EARS!

GROW UP!

BE A PERSON! HUMANE!

DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING!

BE DEAD! JUST DIE! JUST....DIE!!!

IT'S INCORRIGIBLE!

This...this whatever you're doing! Don't think the world revolves around you because it doesn't! And no one is going to stop and attend to you. You're just a fucking somebody. Just a somebody! Anybody!

Grab hold of yourself and hit hard! Stop pretending that people has got to attend specially for you because they don't. They don't always care for you. They have their own matters to attend to! You've got to be up and on your own! Stop thinking that you are the centre of the universe. It's sick! And it sickens people! Sick I tell you! Sick!

Take a fucking good look around. Look! Don't say that people are difficult to attend to or please when it's just you! Yes, you fucker! It's just you! You!

You are the one that's fucking hard to please and entertain and get close to. It is you! Not someone else, but you! The problem lies in you! You are the problem! You are your own problem! Look no further or anywhere around. It is just you Ruzaini! YOU! You are the difficult and ridiculous one!

No! No! Don't say that it's others when you yourself is the problem! Yes you are! Look no further you fucking motherfucker bitch! Just look down and at YOURSELF!

What have you got to look at in others that you don't see for yourself? What's in others that you don't see in you! You are the matter! You are the cause! You! Stop looking around and pushing the blame AND TRYING TO FUCKING RATIONALISE!

DON'T!

DON'T RATIONALISE!

IT IS NOT A MATTER OF RATIONALISING!

IT'S A MATTER OF ACCEPTING! Accepting the fact that you're problematic and pent up and frustrated and irritating and annoying and ridiculous!

You are a joke of your own kind you damn fucker!

Don't say and tell others they have changed when it is you who have! Don't say that they are difficult. Stop saying that! Stop pushing the blame around and let the finger point at you! Accept the fact that it is you who's the difficult one! Point the finger at yourself!

AT YOURSELF!

YOURSELF!

IT'S FUN ISN'T IT?

WHEN IT'S NOT YOU?

HUH? HUH?!

FUN RIGHT!?!

Fun's over and get real! You are nothing but a piece of shit who broods and whines and seeks attention from others and rationalise things thinking you're all smart and all-knowing.

You think you're so good and intelligent and all-knowing, right?! Condeming others with your "wisdom" that comes from your fucking arse! Your friend is right.

YOU ARE A RIDICULOUS AND DAMNABLE BITCH! JUST GO AND DIE! GO AND DIE!

JUST!

GO!

AND!

DIE! YOU CIBAI SHITHEAD!

JUST GO!

Curled fingers

2008-05-19T19:05:00.004+08:00

Am I simply boring or depessed? There seems to be nothing much I'd like to moot about.

Take today for example. I practically slept through the day. Many people would say it is fine and normal for us to be lulling in bed the whole day since we've not had anything much to do. But here's the problem: I don't like lazing around doing nothing. I wanna work it out or do something, anything besides sleeping. I'm not tired or burnt out. If I am I would appreciate the time I have to sleep through. But no. And now the day is coming to a close.

I was supposed to go Raffles City with Kahei today to shop for a watch. But I just got mood out suddenly and decided to call it off. Why?

Could it be money? I mean if I had lotsa money to shop or simply go out I think my time would be better spent. I wouldn't mind going Taka and grab a few tops and bottoms or Compasspoint even. Or spent money with family eating out, at all the expensive places. I pity them. Because it is I who often goes to these places with my friends and spend a lil more.

Or maybe I could sign up for dance and singing classes. Yes, that would be what I wanna do more. I need to condition myself. I feel so unfit and fat; like a huge tub of lard sitting on a stool - growing heavier by the minute. And my dream of becoming an entertainer can actually come true. What do you think? Me the next Madonna?

I wannabe a geisha. I find them simply stunning, dedicating their life to the Arts. Yes I know most are forced into being one that'll be the other difference between me and them. The first is that I'm a guy. Do you see how they dance? Walk? Sing? Play an instrument? Every stroke, every gesture is strong, powerful, elegant, poised, graceful as if they're painting. They are magnificent artists.

And that's how I feel about Dance - strong, powerful, elegant, poised and graceful. That's why I wannabe a dancer. And that's why I'd like to enrol in a dance school. After that I go to an acting school. Only then will I actively go for auditions and work my way to getting the Golden Globe, Tony Award, Emmy's, BAFTA and be at the Cannes Film Festival. I wannabe an actor. That's what I wannabe, and that's who I am.

There's nothing more satisfying than performing for others. To let them enjoy and capture them in that moment, to enchant and put them in a trance-like state and bring them through the emotional journey. To force them to scream, yelp, tear, cry, sob, be angry, happy, laugh and let them enjoy the catharsis. It's just beautiful, subliminal even. And pure harmony.

Love ya'll

A touch of truth

2008-05-17T08:30:00.005+08:00

Hearing, reading and knowing what university alumni has to say about their alma altar is still not good enough. Yes they do give us a picture, a rough idea, of the school culture and strengths but do we really fit in?

Just browse through the papers and tah-dah! you'll find half a page of advertisements on a local university and what its alumni has to say. And then you think,"Hey maybe this school is for me! I wannabe smart and successful just like them!"

Truth
1. The students featured are already good enough hence chosen. You might not be. The school does help to boost their success through its syllabus, teaching style, curriculum, activities, etc. If you're not good enough then you'll be deprived of certain priviliges given to only those deserving - the already smart and sucessful. Small fries get shelved and eaten by the jaws of time.

2. I'm a small fry.

Fiction
1. The school can make a small fry become a big fry that will fry others; the lame-ness of this statement is equivalent to the absurdity of the idea.

Just like the relentless and appalling number of death toll reported recently.

Master Jensen: (after hearing the news from BBC) Everywhere people are dying. Not of old age, or sickness but of violence.

Me: (after a momentary pause) And it's sad that people are getting smarter (and more intelligent).

I find it simply alarming that intelligent and well-bred human beings are inflicting pain on Gaia and themselves. And here's the best part: even after knowing better! What is wrong with us? What's happening to the mind that was given to us by Him to be used wisely?

And the government of those affected countries? It is clear and well understood why they refuse to accept foreign aids eventhough the situation is deteriorating exponentially. Having foreign aids to intervene and help settle down the dust would show their incomptence in managing a large-scale catastrophe such as an earthquake and cyclone.

I think there would not be a better time than now to foster good international relations. It's how friendship is built; good friends stay when others walk out. Let them in and help. It's not a problem so stop making it as one. Time is running and more people are dying. Please understand the gravity of the situation.

Can it be pride? Or a whimsical paradox?

To fail is a way to succeed.

Last Thursday I went for a 5-km route march with the MOCC cadets. Not having done a route march for a very long time, I wasn't cynical of my capabilities. I knew I could do it though people were telling me otherwise and discouraging me to go. But that wasn't the problem, this is: during the march a few of the cadets were lumbering even before the halfway point and the instructors were indifferent. I suddenly became mad and worried at the same time. Why didn't they (the cadets) fall out and why didn't the instructors force them to? Those poor fellas were slogging through intense pain. So I talked to Kent (he was the safety officer for the march) about it yesterday and he said something along the line of,"the commander and instructors know but they want to cadets to endure and persevere. It's not being heartless, it's being caring."

Fuck!

And then I realised, it's a fucking natural paradox. But can there be no compromise?

I'm not sure if the Burmese and Chinese government are going to let foreign aids in anytime soon or even ever. But this I know for sure, if they keep preaching that safety is paramount don't openly breach it in the name of paradox. Compromise and lead, that's what I think any good leader should do.

Love ya'll

Not happy

2008-05-11T22:27:00.005+08:00

I feel like writing something but I just don't know what! Errgh fuck this shit.

And if I'm bad communicating, tell me. Thanks Astri.

PS:

What is it that I know and am so sure about?

What is it? And what can it be?

Seems like I know nothing and that I blabber utter rubbish all the time. Explains why I got a C6 for GP and people stop talking, I think the word is communicating, with me at certain point of time. Gosh I must have been so thick and dense to not realise such a simple thing...

But dear Life has to go on and I will have to realise what matters to me.

I think I need sex, or friends with benefits for a start.

PPS:

If I let out - i.e. say out - the crazy things that I'll do, it means I won't. The frustration is already out; nothing is bottling up.

Too complicated? No one is easy to comprehend.

PPPS:

This is what I see: people have talents, they are good at something whatever it is whereas me, I lack so many things and needless to say, being good at something. Seducing? I'm not seductive nor sexy. Business? I don't have the aptitude. Writing? I'm clumsy with words. Talking? I speak gibberish. Leadership? Pfft. Being trendy? I am not good with style and latest fashion. Confidanteship? I'm trying but doesn't seem going well. Crafty? I have no such creativity. Dance? I'm not good at that either. Acting? I'm amateur-ish.

So what is it that I can be proud of?

Love ya'll

2008-05-09T20:22:00.002+08:00

Uhm...

The money will be in tonight (YEAH!) which means I'll be...neither poorer nor richer (what!? why? oh no!)...

That's 'cause I have to put aside some amount - which is quite a lot you know - for the bills and all those kinda things I have to pay. Like duh right people. Lol. You also what. Kakakaka.

So after coming up with a plan (several actually) I have decided.

On another note, I feel like catching a play. The one by Young & Wild, The Hydrochondriac or something like that lah. I'm most prolly going with Su - my theatre buddy (*winks flirticiously at her) - next Thursday. If I go then I tell you lah hor. Otherwise, sorry. Go watch and tell me!

Oh ya, do you know that you use "if" only if you want the person to reply. "Whether" is used whether you want the person to reply or not. +)

Haiks. Baeg and Ahmad gonna ORD this June. And Kent November, so is Dickson. And so many other people also...SMTI will not be the same lor. I mean I can make new friends but it just wont be the same, it's simply different. I'm gonna miss them. I already am (I think). Don't laugh at my melodrama. It's true okay. Uhm!

I mean like even in camp it's hard to meet, what more outside. Like JT. Eversince he ORD, I never see him. Okay that was a lie. I did, once. For a meet up. Then long period never see. Then later this 24th I think I seeing him again. Like very long then can see sia. It's so what right?

But we keep going forward, just don't forget to pick up the pieces when you pass them.

Love ya'll

A dumb ass talking

2008-05-03T08:39:00.003+08:00

Physical intimacy, sex, kissing, touching and all other taboo but rudimentary subjects that make a man have genders. It's either a male or female; no two way about it. Simple, less complicating and acceptable. And it has one criterion: it cannot be done by two people of the male species.

Lol.

Any other permutations would do, except for that one. Why?

I do not wish to be dogmatic but the absurdity of the exclusion compels me. As far as history is concern, boy-lovers were many among the royalties and those who've had the privelege of being in the hallmark of human history. Alexander, Phillips, Aristotle, rulers of the cultured Chinese empires have had them. Don't you want one too, it's easier to get one to you know? You've one here who's willing to give it a try. =)

And male escorts aka a more legitimate term for gigolo? The rich have them. Doesn't your innate desire to be someone great urges you, even the slightest?

If you can't be The Rich, then tweak a lil bit of their lifestyle and it's yours. I think we had a math prodigy doing that somewhere in the world (a math prodigy, oh goodness!).

And let's not forget our star. Having had to endure those 10 hours with 251 men pounding on you, man! that takes power and courage. Some would say she's stupid, idiotic and crazy. But what do they know? Were they from one of the elite schools in Singapore and a lawyer, trained in UK, brought up in a strict and astute Christian background?

And models who are good at one thing - giving gorgeous pictures in a flash. Though I cannot but recall reading somewhere and meeting people some time who have more than simply looks. Their brains are just as gorgeous. Tyra, Sharon Stone, Scarlett. Ok, let's bring down the scale to the size of a red dot on a globe. How many models have brains? Jaymee, Lilin, Utt, Nadia, Michelle Chia and Chong, Zoe, ...

Nah...but then again, it's different. People have class, and they are classified. Certain behaviours and mindset can only be applied to certain people and only certain people have those mindset and behaviours. Not all will be given and have equal rights. We need gas and carbon and they need to suffer. We need to live they have to die. They need to be in poverty so that we can have our luxurious life. It's just fair isn't it? A balance. A right balance. Right Murphy? =)

Sometimes I find it better not telling. Other times I wish that people would think, better.

Love ya'll

Sanctimonious, Being Piously Lewd

2008-04-28T21:55:00.005+08:00

With the beat of drum,
The men are coming
To say their peace
All forsooth and unbecoming.

To hear me speak
While the vines all climb
In due all time
In mute, no time.

But they have yet to say

Here astood the man that once said,
Back in set the domes of Faith.
The light that dawn once there;
Now good agone the long lost nay,
Bequeath his heart he asked not why
For what he gets he sleeps he may.

But they have yet to say

In a lie a life he tie
To a ring he swallows by.

To those forsake he runs not where
To those forsake He's not been there
To those forsake he asked not why
To those forsake He laugh on by.

But He has yet to say

The big red wing come onto the sky
Let it be known that once it's white.
The sacrilege of thy will not be known,
Only the sharp-toothed fang will show you go.
For it proves the It inside;
Will loom on grow the wilted fellow.
Stand the ground that thou shalt walk
Let it not damn the rose;
Whose colour ever so pure
As the blood that runs the veins
And the same that seeps the pain.
The red it shows mean many
Just not let it stain the lifting dove.

His heart seeks the felony
To cease the salacious desire
Of prude a matter that makes a man
To light the dim that shadows the wall
Whose blood it pumps
For in so pure.

His mind is spaced
To Paradise he goes
The path he longs
Once shrouded now clear.
With the beat of drum
He takes off a leap
For that he forseeks
He says,"I'm coming!"

Love ya'll

"Self-deduced" - somebody

2008-04-22T12:28:00.004+08:00

If something were to happen to me, just know that it's got nothing to do with your doing (somehow) or undoing. It's unfortunate that it happened but nevertheless, it did. Move on and continue loving and living. If there was something, anything, that made you realised do wake up and change before time runs out. Time is ever ticking and awaits no one. Nothing will change if you don't.

Love ya'll

That's why I love Celine Dion...

2008-04-20T18:15:00.001+08:00

Will ramble more when I have the mood...

It made me think

2008-04-18T23:00:00.001+08:00

Looking at the date of this entry and the last made me wonder somehow if I've been dead and now back to haunt the living beings of his friends...kakakaka.

Well no. I've been pretty much dead; just not buried. Need I say why?

For the benefit of those who'd like to know, it means my life has been boring...no wonder the age of Fin-de-Sicle came about. I'm so feeling it man. Muahahahaha! Interesting right my life?

If you're bored of hearing me lament over my boring life then feel free to either write your own or read some of my friend's blog. Alternatively, you get start facebooking. (Man, has that word become a proper noun now?)

Anyway, I saw the Atonement last Sunday. Rent it from Play. Followed by the Transformers. I'll try to talk about Transformers if I have the stamina still. Otherwise, it'll just be about Atonement.

Atonement...need I explain more? The title is pretty self explanatory right? Anyway, after watching the film it made me think for awhile - note my awhile is usually hours long (the subject of time is after all subjective). It made me realised that I should be more careful when I want to do something. And not to take it lightly. Yes emotions do help, especially when you have a hunch on something but being overly emotional could prove to backfire.

And to not act on impulse, that's another danger. A small matter can easily blow up to out of proportion with my carelessness. To not be callous and insensitive. And most of all, to love.

On another tangent, this drama king/queen/whatever has a talk with one of his friends and a brief text conversation with another. It appears that he has spoken again - made another (to what only he believes) alarming remark that he has split personality disorder!

Wow! Kudos! Brava! Eureka! Fireworks cracking in the sky!

It's not bad enough that he made a claim earlier on that he had to devise a new persona to differentiate himself from his stage persona, to safekeep his name and protect his identity; now he vouched - by a seemingly "sudden" stroke of miracle that has just been bestowed upon his (pathetic) self - that he actually has no real personality of his own to begin with! That his life has been a lie and a game of masquerade! What belied truth to beguile the bemoan (and precipitating) self...in a (chiascurro) moment of sublime reality and fantastic illusion! one might say.

Goodness gracious me, this boy is already fucking mad. Quick get the doctor! Is there a doctor in the house, somehow? Like under the bed or in the closet or something? Quick! Hurry! Rush! Rush!

God bless his soul. He's out and gone. May he rest in peace...

Is this fucker a fucker or a fucker?!

Kakakaka.

Am I sick? Am I really unwell or am I simply being overly dramatic? Any heart-beating and breathing teenager reading this would say it's more of the latter. And any harbouring thoughts of thinking that it could possibly be the former is quickly dismissed as preposterous and labelled as a mean of seeking attention.

Well perhaps I am. Perhaps I am seeking attention. Perhaps I am an attention-seeker. I long for attention. I long for people to take me seriously and not look away after one glance. I long to be challenged with mature conversation. I long to be questioned and probed. To not look at me as this aloof flamboyant gay bastard who prances around like a fucking irritating pest that's better left unattended to! To fling him aside and left at the dumbster to ferment...

I have issues. I hate myself.

Love ya'll

2008-04-04T22:00:00.000+08:00

Love You More

Take me back into the arms I love
Need me like you did before
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more

Don't go you know you will break my heart
She won't love you like I will
I'm the one who'll stay
When she walks away
And you know I'll be standing here still

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

See me as if you never knew
Hold me so you can't let go
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/lX ]
Just believe in me
I will make you see
All the things that your
Heart needs to know

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

And some way all the love that
we had can be saved
Whatever it takes we'll find a way

Believe in me
I will make you see
All the things that your
heart needs to know

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

Tentatively speaking

2008-04-04T08:05:00.003+08:00

We are all living, tentatively.

Nothing is permanent. Everything will come to an end.

I have ten active seconds. Each one different. Each ten is different. Each difference is subservient to change. Even they do not wish to keep still. Lol. Look at how funny it is.

We cajole to change. We wait for change. We make the change, sometimes. We change.

But why do we change?

Because we have to.

We have to?

Yes, and it's needless to say.

There has got to be a reason.

Should there be a reason for change?

Yes.

Should there be a reason for everything?

Yes.

Why?

Why?

Everything is tentative. It's going to change anyway. Why bother wait for answers?

True.

Should I change?

Why?

Should I not?

Why?

I think I should.

Why?

Because I'm happy.

What's that got to do?

Everything.

Oh...

Can you keep a secret?

Yes.

What do you think of me?

Good.

...That's it...?

What more?

Guess I settle for good.

You want better?

Better is good.

Good is better than poor.

And pathetic.

But not friends.

Friends are good.

Not all.

Friendship is not tentative. It's lasting.

Love is lasting.

Friendship is Love. Love is subservient.

To?

Sense of belonging.

And purpose.

What's the meaning in there?

No meaning.

But you said...

I know. So?

Oh...Nothing.

Nothing is good. Nothing is tentative.

But everything is tentative.

Nothing is everything without anything.

So anything is tentative?

Yes. Anything is tentative.

And so is Nothing?

Yes.

How?

Everything will change. Nothing will change. Anything will change. And I'm tentatively dead. =)

Love ya'll

Random mumbling

2008-04-02T22:17:00.004+08:00

I'm watching American Idol...

...which reminds me...Shafiq got say to me once, "Have you ever wondered why is it American Idol and not Singaporean Idol?" I just stood, stunned...

...and today's mentor is Dolly Parton

(do you really know who she is? Or are you like,"Yeah I know who she is but I just don't know what song she has sung..." So I admit I don't know. Innocent. Smile.)

who says, "I know I'm cute" and we can pardon her for saying that cause that's just how it is. She's a familiar face in the industry, she's become a friend to many people - who know her but she doesn't know them and that don't matter - and friends saying that about themselves is permissible by us. Right? So can I say I'm cute and not get tomatoes thrown at me?

Kakakakakakakakakakakaka...Haiks.

"Say what you think!"

I say: Just don't get caught.

"Just shut up!"

I say: You first.

"Don't talk to me!"

I say: Who said I was?

"Don't try to be a smart."

I say: Not gonna.

I had a sms-conversation with Su (Sufirah) :-

Su: Ruz! My boyfriend is as straight as the equator!

Me: But the equator follows the globe and the globe is round so the equator bends...(not in the sms but I just added)...because it can...hehe...

Am I such a bastardy bitch? Haiks, no I'm not.

And we all should start watching Dirt.

And David Achutella might win American Idol.

Syesha is rocking the song I Will Always Love You! Which was originally sung by Dolly Parton (what!? really???)...So of course ANYONE who sings that song WILL be compared to Whitney and she didn't get good comments by the judges but what the fucking hell. It was Syesha. I really like it. Another singer who did the song justice is X-Factor winner Leona Lewis. Yup! The Bleeding Love woman. Go youtube her lah; Leona Lewis - I Will Always Love You. Almost perfect sia..wooooooooh! Orgasing. Don't disturb. Ooh ah. Ooh ah. Ooh ah. Ooh ah. Ooha ah. Lol.

Haiks...

Another night. Another rambling. Another day coming to a close. Another day I managed to wake up. What happens then

Haiks...

Love ya'll

I (need) help

2008-03-30T11:22:00.004+08:00

Haiks..I don't know what have I done. I'm such a drama king/queen/whatever. It's like ridiculous lah. But I don't know why I do it also.

This is the problem actually:

I like to spin drama in my life. And then pretend like I'm the lead in this show who got all these emotional crap thrown at him and then how he seeks sympathy from people close to him.

Repugnant? Totally! Unnatural? Exactly! Sick? Absolutely!

How? You mean my life so boring one meh that I have to make a drama out of it? Or is it because I cannot get roles like that I'm making my own? Can also what. I mean, logical kan?

See lah...that's what happened when you're not handsome and have a good bod and you like to act. You make drama out of nothing, kinda like Shakespeare.

Wait! OMG! Am I the new Shakespeare?

- Oh boy...here comes me dreaming again...enough lah. You're not fucking Shakespeare. Can stop dreaming so big can or not? - okay.

But if I don't dream and make drama, how to write good drama stories right? I mean I need material. And where better to get them from own experience. So that means I can spin drama lah.

But if you cannot write properly, what's the point?

Well, at least I got material. I can start somewhere. Suchen-Christine Lim took 3 years writing and re-writing the awared winning The Souls God Forsake. That shows it's possible. I just have to keep refining it.

Whatever you say lah Ruzaini...

Oh ya. One more thing. Should we be given the ability to change our history?

Well of course! That will be great. So many people would want that to happen. So yeah, we should be given that ability.

Like Hiro?

Yeah! Like Hiro! Yaa-tah!

But why?

Why, why?

If we get the chance to change history, we wouldn't see and go through what we have come across. Isn't that bad?

(saying it Ellen's way) What? What nonsense. Eh mat kental (geek), can wake up and smell the air or not?

Don't you like what you've seen and gone through?

Nah. No, not really.

Are they all that bad?

...not all lah. Some.

So some are good?

Uh huh.

But what if you go back in time and change your past which cause your future to be more miserable than it already is?

Wah! You so pessimistic one meh? Can also be better what? Stupid!

"Can also be better." Not necessarily better.

So?

Maybe we should not change what has happened. There must be a reason why we cannot change our past?

Oh yeah? And what's that?

What's that?

I'm talking to myself again...God I must be crazy... :\

Love ya'll

The song that I'd like to dance to

2008-03-28T20:52:00.000+08:00

And also sing (gosh someone teach me how to)

JANET JACKSON LYRICS

"Doesn't Really Matter"

Hmm, he-he
Oh, hey
Doesn't matter (It doesn't matter)
Doesn't matter at all

Doesn't matter what your friends are telling you
Doesn't matter what my family's saying too
It just matters that I'm in love with you
It only matters that you love me too

It doesn't matter if they won't accept you
I'm accepting of you and the things you do
Just as long as it's you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

My love for you, unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter if you're feeling insecure
Doesn't matter if you're feeling so unsure
Cause I'll take away the doubt within your heart
And show that my love will never hurt or harm

Doesn't matter what the pain we go through
Doesn't matter if the money's gone too
Just as long as I'm with you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

You're love for me, unconditional I see
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter what they say
Cause you know I'm gonna love you anyway
Doesn't matter what they do
Cause my love will always be with you

My love for you unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that
My love is true, and it's just for you, uh

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you love me to
And nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
(He-he)
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me
Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
(I'm always doing that!)
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

I don't know what to do

2008-03-27T20:48:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you make a mistake and you don't know how to wriggle your way out of it. So what you do is to be invisible - make yourself scarce and unknown. The less likely to be seen, the better.

I guess that is what I'm trying to do. But I feel like I'm in deep shit so I don't know what to do. Should I let the matter be as it is or pursue it? If I pursue it, it might get messier (as if it's not messy enough).

Grrr...I don't know what to do. Perhaps I should play the game of hide-and-seek.

Or not wake up at all. Let the thing fleet around somewhere somewhere...

Love ya'll

Theatrically speaking

2008-03-22T21:04:00.002+08:00

Had Young Co. just now with Sue and 5 other people (instead of 10+ more). It was good. A good session. So far, all my Young Co. sessions have been fun.

I learn what it's like becoming and being an actor. And acting is no easy thing. You think some actors are acting? Well they are "acting" all right. If I had a better looking face and body, I'll be a celebrity in Singapore by now (or least till after my NS). Sorry but I have to say that. I'm mad at the public supporting some of our (supposed) local actors, on screen especially. Wake up and watch true theatre and excellent screen acting, and then you'd know. =)

Haiks...I have another confession to make. Because theatre acting has been a huge part of my life, it's been theatre-ed somehow, inevitably. My own character is always filled with theatrics. Explains the over the top behaviour sometimes? Yeah. It's all the theatre acting. It's now become part of me. And I can't shake it off.

So I'm sorry if I show it too loudly. It's hard to hide behind the highly theatre-ed me. The theatrics hides nothing. Instead, almost everything I do gets magnified and exaggerated. So I'm sorry if I appear as a drama queen/king. I can't help it. It's too well embedded in me. I'm theatrical by nature now.

Which sadly isn't a good thing because that means people don't think I'm actually acting on stage. Even I find it so. So how to I make my acting believable? I don't know. I'm only 20. i've a lot to learn.

Love ya'll

Asleep

2008-03-22T07:44:00.002+08:00

I just wanna go back to sleep and not ever wake up.

Burning in me is a flame that refuse to die out. I'm slowly burning from the inside out. One day, haha, I will be on flame. And I don't know if that's a good thing.

Perhaps it'll be a new beginning? Perhaps it'll be a new end? Or will I be gone and not found? Uhm...

It's not a good thought to entertain huh?

Love ya'll

Family

2008-03-16T22:19:00.003+08:00

Mary J Blige sings happy song about Family Affairs but I think sometimes it's everything but. Unlike some people I am not close to my family, but doesn't mean we're apart. We don't eat together. Spend time together as a family like going to the beach or simply having a picnic over the weekends. Maybe I have myself to blame for that. I chose to drift away from them. And I think it's for a good reason.

Would you still want to acquaint yourself to people who are unsupportive of the things you do and more, of who you are? I've not told them about me because I find it pointless. Furthermore, they'll flip and maybe disown me. Well I may never know but the fear if enough to put off thoughts of exposing myself. It's frightening enough.

You see the things I do now I keep my family in the dark. I told Kent most of it. I think probably he knows most about me. That's because unlike him, they would brush off the idea. Especially my dad. He's always condemning - there's no better word for it - my brother and I of the things we would like to do. Words like "idiot", "stupid", "waste of time", "ridiculous" are among the unplesant words he would utter to us. Compliments? As far as I could recall, he's never said them. Or maybe he has but because it's been a long time since it seems immaterial now. But it doesn't matter. My brother and I are old enough to take care of myself. Let my youngest sister have all his attention and care.

It's fine with me that he compliments her a lot, and pays more attention to her because that means she'll have a better childhood and later life compared to my brother and I. And as the eldest child, you just wanna see your younger siblings be better than you. Just like how our parents want us to be better than them. So I'm happy for her.

I stay in camp for reasons like these: I want my space, I wanna get away from my family, I wanna prove to my parents that I can be independent, and, especially this, I am not worthless. Are these selfish reasons? My mother thinks so which is why she disapproves me of staying over in camp. But I couldn't care less. It's my life now. I think it's time I have control of my life.

And my dad? Well he's okay with it. He knows. He was once a young man. So I appreciate his understanding.

Before I continue, please bear in mind that I do not loathe my family. Neither do I dislike them. I simply want to tell them, indirectly, that I am not leeching off them and to leave me alone. If you're not supportive of what I did and gonna do, then leave me alone to do them. I don't need your help anymore. I can carry on on my own. You've unnecessarily baggaged me enough. Let me succeed and fall on my own. Isn't that what you're pushing me to do?

I'm only close to my brother. And that was because I have to. There was a period of them when he was seriously troubled, and getting into serious trouble. And my mum was practically losing her mind. My dad indulges in work to get away from all these. And my sister, she's just lost and pained in the mess. I drifted away as well. But realised that my mum was flailing so I decide to help. Thank goodness things got back to normal. And now, I'm detaching myself once more. But still close to my brother. But he doesn't know much about me. Neither do I know much about him. But we definitely know more about each other than our parents do about us. And it pains my mum. I see it in her eyes. But unless some things change, I don think my and brother and I are gonna. I've done enough to make things better. But none are appreciated.

I envy those people with good parents. From what I see, they grow up becoming more sucessful and happier people. I wish my family is like that. Maybe when I have a family on my own, I can have my fantasy family. But till then, I'm working hard for it.

A friend of mine told me that he feels like he's got no family. They're physically living together but not together. And it saddens him. I know what you're saying man.

What's the root of the problem actually? Is it the conomy? A natural by-product of modernisation? Fate? A psychological problem? Whatever it is, it's insidious alright.

Right now I feel empty; almost literally. I feel so empty. As if my whole body is a vacuum, and my life is a facade. A smile in front hiding the drooping frown underneathe. It really feels so empty. I've never felt so empty before. Even with all the fun activities I were to do, I still find my life uneventful. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. It's like I find no reason and purpose to wake up.

Why am I waking up everyday?

Love ya'll